Messiah Viking

2011-09-24T01:52:00.003-04:00

maybe it's my own bloated sense of self, but I seem to think of much of my experience as being unique. perhaps that comes from my overly contemplative nature, but I find that a lot of what I encounter is a serpent carrying its own tail in its mouth. I see a cyclical event in a lot of what has happened to me, and for that I'm extremely grateful and gives purpose to my meandering. It also offers some depth to what I believe to be the greater forces involved in all our lives. and it's here that I've grown so much this year! It's been magnificent for the most part... still struggling to recover from the narcissistic intruder of my life for those 18 months that I can't fully regain, but mostly I've detached from the crippled reality I led. What I'm getting at is what I've been realizing in such detail over the past few weeks, especially with my weekend in Philadelphia a few weeks ago with my dear Nakeeda, Amanda, and Lee family. Not to pinpoint these few specifically, but I can't express enough just how much we all live our own lives. How different everyone's experiences are, which in turn is then wrapped around their perception of what is to be. Truly, we ALL have such drastically distant recollections of our place in this time. I forget how this feeling even began to arise in me, but it has only been furthered by my new job opportunity at an Amazon warehouse. And new classes, especially new classes. I'm much more open as an individual now than ever before, and seem to have begun to embrace people/things in social outlets. I'm happier, is the point. I still have those awful days, most prevalent when one likes to peer above the murky ash, but that's not my concern.

Ugh, this didn't wander into the land I was searching for. Very tired. Hard to direct such an abstract realization. I'm just pondering all the relationship struggles I see around me and all the inner turmoil people face without acknowledgement. It's a shame. I still have my fair share. So much birthed out of leaving the Olive Garden, I guess. I dropped off the biggest weight on my life, without much remorse. And it was fantastic. On the other paw, I've distanced myself from a lottttt of people. Some I still love. But it goes to show that I had to reroot from my own skin, and not rely on what I knew so well and comfortably for too long. Also too comfortably was the damage incurred and disrespect applauded on a continual basis. So here I am changed.

Tony's out in 9 days. Starting to process this. I can't.

My brother's 25, BSSM is 20. Listening to "Echoes" by Pink Floyd for the first time in years. Currently falling into a Frank Zappa spell, also.

Sixteenth of April

2011-04-16T22:29:00.002-04:00

Today will not soon be overstated.

Mr. DandelionVolta, Dante, ripped the Coachella webcasts of Omar Rodriguez Lopez Group from yesterday, so I've been watching their performance throughout the day. Cedric spits some "no condition is permanent" shit, so I immediately look into this and it seems to be an important reference.

Then I talked to Shelby for the first time since February 7. So distant and impenetrable, I find to be fitting words. I was a heap of a mess for a good hour or two. Talked to my brother on the phone, gathered immeasurably precise knowledge/advice/banter/experience/insight--overall profound, much needed offerings. Saved me again.

My uncle is standing in my room, looming over me as I wrap up this discussion with Chris. I naturally hurry because I've been neglecting his presence in our house for the past hour. Then truth be dropped like a fly--"I'm engaged."

How can I possibly respond? Handshake/hug, disbelief, questions, surprise, excitement, tears/another hug. This is the complete opposite of what I've known my entire life, and I don't mean this harshly, but not lightly either. I lived with this man for 16 years. He's always been too disjointed to form proper relationships in life, from whatever series of malfunctions that this "condition" stemmed from. Always so rough, rugged, eager to displease; "you bullied people your whole life to get your way," my mother said to him last week. "That's what she told me," of his girl, Brenda. So much can pass away. This makes me cry right this second! It's like the veil is lifted from over this huge sector of my personal life. My mother can have meaningful conversations with her older brother after 55 years, as a direct and unfortunate result of their mother's passing, and this sense of rebirth and this gleaming..... yeah, I'm happy. My mom saw them only two days ago when she learned this, and she said, "I've never seen two people just glowing so much."

So here's to happiness within family, a very basic, defining, and crucial piece of our lives.

2010 Forecast

2010-03-04T19:22:00.014-05:00

Records to be released this year...

Gorillaz III - Plastic Beach (march 9)
Broken Bells (Danger Mouse & James Mercer) (march 9)
Jimi Hendrix V - Valleys Of Neptune (march 9)
John Butler Trio V - April Uprising (april 6)
Omar Rodriguez-Lopez & John Frusciante (april)
Omar Rodriguez-Lopez Quartet (John Frusciante) (april)
Lisa Papineau - Red Trees (may 4)
Swahili Blonde - Man Meat (John Frusciante) (july 6)
Red Hot Chili Peppers X (+Josh Klinghoffer) (october 2010)
El Grupo Nuevo de Omar Rodriguez-Lopez II
Atoms for Peace (Thom Yorke, Flea, etc.)
Jane's Addiction V (-Eric Avery)
Chad Smith's Bombastic Meatbats - Meet the Meatbats
Speed Dealer Moms (John Frusciante & Aaron Funk)
PJ Harvey X
Foo Fighters VII
Silverchair VI
Portishead IV
Saul Williams IV
Serj Tankian II
Zechs Marquise II - Getting Paid
Eric Avery II
Santigold II
Autolux II - Transit Transit
Free Moral Agents II - Honey in the Carcass of the Lion
Dot Hacker (Josh Klinghoffer)

Overtly Vague

2010-01-23T01:08:00.003-05:00

It's so interesting to see people go back and forth, having indirect dispute, through the wonders of the modern era. I've been witness to this in a few instances lately, between Tara & Xavier, as well as Perry & Eric. It's childish, sure, but we ALL do it at one point or another, given the convenience of text on a computer to take a jab at someone. Why not partake, it's readily available, it's our new basic mode of comfortable communication, and it renders fewer consequences than a proper, face-to-face resolution.

Not that we ever resolve anything. Man, my place of employment is a royal test of my love of humanity. It births a lack thereof. People are SO sensitive. I remember recognizing myself as immature.. and still do when the need arises. But people who are 25, even 36 years old, who can't handle the basics of life just really irritate me on a deep level. I have no patience anymore for apathy. The only way to uplift the world and our instinctual morale is to rise above the despair and turmoil around you and simply BE the positivity and productivity in life. There's no effort or much of any energy required, just nurture those around you and the motherfucking planet the best to your ability.

The idea of ego is just bizarre to me. Saul has said, "egos should be illegal, mine just don't know how to act." Very true, yet way off base. Is it so difficult to compromise? Is it a chore to step outside of our comfort zones and enlist on a journey, or even an attempt at something we may not enjoy? Hell, beyond that... I don't know. I'm so disgusted with Perry Farrell at the moment, and perhaps even Eric Avery as well, since everything is a two way street, no doubt. We have few things in life that really reach in and bring out our vitality and all that we offer to share with the world, in whatever medium or by whatever means that may entail for us individually. But see, when two behemoths of power and genius, and perhaps ego, collide--there's just little room for flexibility. We've seen this all through the ages with brilliance or any sort of conviction. Some people are very hard to work with, or even get along with, based on their peculiar personalities. Hell, I may even be one. And my intentions go misconstrued so often. So maybe that's it, really.

Though simply getting past these things should seem easier, though historical figures and well-loved artists inform us otherwise. When you build a legacy in life, nurture it best you can. And I'm not seeing this in Jane's Addiction 2010. 2009, I couldn't have been happier with. What an unbelievable privilege to see true, vibrant performance of meaningful creation. But now we're to the point of new creation, further stepping forward in collective energy, and they fail once more. Why why why... dammit. This only alerts me of my own failures and lack of energy and conviction, though it appears to me that these particular people have more incentive and better means of portraying their intention than some of us. I wish so strongly for things that can't always be. Don't we all...

Like I said, we all want convenience sure enough.

Things in my life are great, however...

2010-01-09T17:47:00.002-05:00

What do I believe in anymore? Seeing this dissolution of what I deemed a beautiful relationship is truly distraughtening. How we really live in our own minds, you've said. Never clearer now, after the messy dreams we'll always share. Feeling the indirect effect of lost love isn't a new sensation, however, it's mysteriously peculiar in this case, and most heartbreaking. And tomorrow I celebrate my 6 month anniversary with Shelby Renee. Ohh, life.

Communism

2009-11-06T01:47:00.002-05:00

What's been happening you ask? Too much and not enough. That is all. Don't quite fully understand myself or my life at this particular conjecture, but that's fine. Part of me wants to spill it all here, part of me knows it's pointless. Ugh, tired. End.

2009-09-03T14:21:00.001-04:00

...still I don't feel easy...

Aura Descending

2009-07-29T02:32:00.002-04:00

We of a common feather
Setting sights on a smile in knowing
Coming down from existential glee that summoned more hope before me
And glowing by divine fire, the slumping dusk turns brisk around
Shoveling its stoop in a pile, waiting for dark ailments
Clouding the dot of the spy, sifting softly through swollen window holes
I asked a fallen cranapple tree to condone my sweet appraisal
None had towing that would match a harping magnitude, though less seemed interested
Collecting our thoughts, I gathered what was whole and part treat
We lifted our tongues the arch the cheek speck
The cry was light; lifted hard but true
No other man was to cuss and stir intervention
I demolished a carnival to carve a plead from forgiveness
And I crave the emptiness that starks the heart

Seven Cities

2009-07-01T01:39:00.002-04:00

We ate Mexican and Indian foods, pizza, seafood, organic bread/sandwich, Wendy's x2, Arby's x3, and Subway x4

We witnessed parallels of reality in front of our eyes, hung out in museums, cathedrals, strip clubs, speakeasies, cafes... and we found out that some gas stations have showers.

We found that we are never safe, yet no one is an enemy.

We found the idea that life happens.

Defining Innovation

2009-06-12T18:25:00.001-04:00

clean up the vomit trail.

Reluctance

2009-06-04T00:49:00.001-04:00

Debauched by his regurgitated stress relief, I call upon my new sense of beginning afresh

Prelim of Exodus

2009-05-28T04:46:00.002-04:00

"Society must let the artist float to wander off into the nebula."
- Brandon Boyd

Clearly what I've found is that it hasn't translated well. This constant ebb of understanding, worrying its way through daily happenings. A year later, I'm rediscovering the safe trodden truths, I feel. Why is this? How am I not improving for the most part... because I've most definitely been on decline. This must strengthen. So much has to happen now. I will force it. Just as gently as that blanket without aim--I claimed it. In dreams again last night, in reality in a few days awaits.

Problems arise when we try to see each others precise sensory experience of the same subject. We must relish moments together. When we adopt the eyes of others in pure word and comprehension, we're losing the initial system shock by having a filter cast over your eyes. My own foolishness startles me.

....does something really just tell us to do these things?

God's Waiting Room

2009-05-26T05:47:00.003-04:00

Wow, what a night. Life reaching a full circle. How terribly I treated her, how wonderfully I treated her. This is interesting. Just waiting for further condemnation by Stephen... otherwise, shit, I love this girl.

I guess I have to dick someone over now. Yet... it needs to be done. This is my life that I'm laying out in front of me, no one else's. I must stop submitting myself to others' selfish wants, when I'm the one working for the goods. What a beautiful, beautiful evening.

Shit. These next 3 months are going to be outlandish.

A Mockery of my Intermission for the Becoming of My Presence

2009-05-24T03:42:00.004-04:00

Today was a true kick in the pants, which I needed to further my actualization.
I feared being fired today, walked out of work for the second time this week, and started throwing various objects throughout the kitchen of the restaurant. I now know that I've reached lunacy. And overcome, I want to believe. What are we doing with our lives, I asked. I dunno, he replied, as carefree as always, and thus it remains. But course is set, and we're now stapled to the repercussions of that acceptance. The fear won't stand. I won't stand for fear. My evening just had a very solid finale when I found a centipede in my shower, one of my greatest fears of the galaxy, next to the newly coined "HARDCORE REPUBLICANS," though I abolished his torso and limbs. It was gruesome.

And now you. Perhaps my stomach is in uproar because of the vast amount of time we've spent, and how eager you are to please me... and I find myself resisting the natural urges to please you. This is a year later. This is only halfway point from a proven stagnation, if you let it be so. Or, as we discussed, you could allow us to "live together"... and live together. Somewhere in the recesses of my striking and overly intense consciousness, this all proves a point to myself, to him, to you, to them. Fuck. But fuck them. Fuck me. Fuck him, at times. And fuck you if you're enabling yourself the contentment that you've been preaching is malnourished and uneventful. And then again you brought this to our attention this evening... and could we worship each other any more than we do? Why do we do it?

Oh, answers still so unclear. You enable me, however, and I must kick it up a notch to motivate myself IMMENSELY over these next few months, if I'm to flourish with every obstacle stacked. How frivolously fate has crafted all calling parties to my attention all at once: so clever as to force me to confront tomorrow, today, and the present. And the fears and disillusions. And I crave it. This new sense of immediacy is just perfectly presented to me at this unbearable time. I put myself in every situation in my mind before it actually occurs. I know I'll cry when Stephen Streck leaves us to join the Air Force. I'll fucking rage with passion with a hug unimaginable to the untested bonds. But it's coming. So much preparation, regard, and disregard I adore and very wholly praise in you and our dear friend Shelbs. Your pace will be unparalleled, and I'm striving to match it. That's companionship.

Move me to tears. Please. Tonight I was persuaded to attend this party not too far from my home, so I did in fact join the fun. And I forced myself to rise to what the situation demanded. And it worked pretty well. I conjure laughs, encouragement, and some sort of cockeyed respect. All the while, boosting confidence which barely exists, and is very tough to summon. Though I will when I'm beaten down to the dirt. And today I royally beat myself into powder. So fuzzy, clouded, fatigued, shaky, disarrayed... a hot mess inside out with the vapor production. Just solid to mush, as a centipede in the shower.

Straight up skank status...

Bit of Nostalgia for the Old Folks

2009-05-20T23:57:00.004-04:00

Seminal minds depriving the soiled society of a nurturing slumber--a suturing number.

"Without a mistake, you can't go anywhere. It's where the most fertile ground is. The birth of the next move comes from putting pressure on the gaping wound."
- Norton Wisdom, 2003

"I am curious going into today, with this historical mindset, how I will end up feeling having come full circle. The car just arrived to take belle and I down to soundcheck. It's good to be interested in ones life."

- Eric Avery, 5/20/09

Jane's Addiction and the 17 years of rest

2009-04-24T19:48:00.007-04:00

Bonus Disc 5 of A Cabinet of Curiosities has 5 tracks from 7/23-24 @ Irving Meadows, Lollapalooza '91. I'm going to continue to add upcoming tracks to this EP in order to craft a whole new disc:

01. Standing in the Shower... Thinking (Live 1991)
02. Of Course (Live 1991)
03. Ted, Just Admit It... (Live 1991)
04. Mountain Song (Live 1991)
05. Stop! (Live 1991)
06. Trip Away (Live 1991) [ACOC iTunes bonus track]
07. Chip Away (Live 1991) [ACOC iTunes bonus track]
08. Slow Divers (Rehearsal 1986)
09. Chip Away (2009)
10. Whores (2009)
11. Embrace the Darkness (2009)
12. Laughing Beats (2009)
13. I'll Protect You (2009)

"What have I missed the most? The first thing that comes to mind is 'Three Days.' Every time we play it, I go, 'Gentlemen, we made this.' You know?"

- Eric Avery, April 2009

Fascination of Moment

2009-04-17T04:52:00.005-04:00

So so cleverly she divides. This orbital intrusion that has redeemed my late shimmering eye. From within the fire, weight upon rims, the tautness of the sweatband was stellar to uproot.

Damn, this girl is ridiculous. And here we are, a year later. I caught some rather intent glances this evening. Where does that lead? She's seeing someone, yet she tells me she's helplessly lonely. Rawr. In other news, I'm actually contemplating giving someone the heads up on the Atlanta PJ Harvey show. But I can't really bring myself to do that. On sale in 7 hours. But no.

If only they'd stop confusing each other.

You slept facing the wall
And you wanted, less than I wanted
I slept facing the wall
But when I met you,
How did you enter?
I don't remember
How did we ever?

Cryptomnesia

2009-04-12T03:21:00.002-04:00

Listening to the new Omar. Completely off the balls. Just perfect right now.

Loved talking to Shelby yesterday, and Nakeeda since. Got to see Mandy and Scottie... so that was kinda great, kinda weird. The combination of Karen, Katie, Than and Alex is just the best. I love our new little gang.

Hmm... I need to sleep.

Great night with YOU.

Muffled Decibels

2009-04-10T05:10:00.004-04:00

I'm still stuck in this swirling cycle of having a three goddess complex. So much misguidance has sent us to this point in time. Remembering scents of last summer, while news ones etch their way into our collective memory. How wide the scope of our dissension.

Scottie giggles and tells me of my youthful ways. Yet urgency is always now far from thought. So clever, my new routine of coffee, cigarettes... and blueberries. New form taking shape. Glimpsing empyrean from purgatory. "Since We've Been Wrong" uncovered as the true title for the acoustic TMV song, previously known as "Beneath the Eyelids." The wrong still carries fervent air, though now clogged with prosthetic smoke. Chiming in at more flawless coercion than what was formerly attempting to mesh with flow.

After so many vacated, clouded dreams, I begin to lose interest in whether or not we're both rotting away. Right there is the answer. These aren't buildings in pieces, rather, windows blast out by distraction.

Skank Status

2009-04-01T03:16:00.002-04:00

"Erika! There is no laughter in the garden."

Drunk as queerbait.

"Oh, England, come soon."

April is here. Fuck our lives. Together as wholeness. Sensory decay is eight equivalents.

Biggest Gang I Know

2009-03-21T03:19:00.003-04:00

There are 14 bussers. at least 3 of them are assclowns; 5 have set schedules or barely buss at all, 2 are brothers which are included in prior, 4 of them are some of my closest cats, 2 are married and only work together, 1 is transgender, 2 are newly employed, another 2 are hopefully about to depart. Then there's me. Also, I kinda miss Blake.

Hmm. So now I'm striving to always be on time, to better start the day right and lessen risk of being fired/sometimes quitting. Yes... the girls are trash, I have so much money--but I still spend too much income.

It's 6 am now. This went nowhere. I need to go to sleep.

Neruda

2009-03-11T22:33:00.002-04:00

"You don't want to answer me.

But the questions do not die."

- Consequences, Extravagaria 1958

"Wandering love, I come back
with this heart both fresh and wearied,
belonging to water and sand,
to the dry spaces of the shore,
to the white war of the foam."

- Here, there, everywhere, Extravagaria 1958

All throughout Pablo Neruda's collections, Extravagaria and Fully Empowered, the books resulting from his return to Chile, I can't help but notice the recurring reference to "foam." These are his most personal works, derived from his autumn-minded journey, from his autumnal period, a testament to his "coming to rest." As a rediscovery of his home, both native land and sea, I understand the importance of season and the Pacific coast in his recollection. Though in my own wanderings, I too came to use the word "foam" very often during my writings last summer, all before my introduction to this man's vast, immense body of work. Just as any other time in life when this common happening is noticed, I have to wonder how this translates from generation to generation, from artist to artist -- the attachment to either sensation or perspective and a reluctance to let go, when the internal ashes have yet to settle.

odetoyousothatyoumayrestandnowyouredead

2009-03-03T02:27:00.005-05:00

please. I am not the artist you think I am. The words, on the roof of my mouth.

you are such a haunting thing, under my false exterior. and i was amongst it. i'm scared, for the life of everyone, it seems. they can at least pretend, but i can't escape you when i sleep. i just want to lie down and never wake up.

how does life happen to us, really?
I end so many series with the starting of a new sentence. But fuck, so do you.

I now wish to be imparted from you. I'll never send that last letter, cunt.

...in all our hesitations, the bold state of being.

catchupcatchupcatchup

all things that make me want to kill myself

So convinced that God is no answer
never was and never will be

yet what is it within ourselves that we are lacking?
what love that we have not yet found is there to embrace?

"Unreachable"

2009-02-25T14:29:00.003-05:00

I know we tried
I know we tried
End
Shoot me
End
Shoot me
Shoot me, shoot me

The Empyrean is completely enthralling, and it has its grip during this period of blossom in life.

Tonight is that night. I believe. So strange how quickly we attach to our intangible desires, not yet properly grown. Simply abstractions of distraction. And mischievous attraction.

Gimme some mo'

Ah, I'm gettin' a big head

2009-02-22T03:57:00.001-05:00

Nah, not really

Just feeling mighty fine these days. However, without the cost.

Oh yes, could this be?

Tomorrow

2009-02-18T07:37:00.002-05:00

I need to stop messing up. This is my life, I need to live it.

... and this girl is PHENOM

NINJA

2009-02-17T01:07:00.002-05:00

Fail on my part. Epic fucking fail.

Josh Klinghoffer opened.

However, set list is pretty much weak sauce. So that's relieving.

Oh, and the tour was confirmed today.

So I'm happy to have saved that $600... for 3 or 4 Nine Inch Nails / Jane's Addiction (NINJA) shows.

BRING ON 2009!

The biggest decision of my life;

2009-02-14T04:14:00.014-05:00

Here are the reasons for/dissuasive bits regarding attending the Jane's Addiction concert at The Echoplex, Los Angeles on Monday, February 16, 2009:

pros:
+this is their third club show since the 2008 reunion.. third times the charm
+they are quite obviously in the studio at the moment, meaning they could be performing NEW songs, or old ones they've been finally properly recording (such as Slow Divers, KETTLE WHISTLE, Suffer Some, Trip Away, Whores, 1%, etc.)
+this is my favorite band in the entire fucking world
+i am currently in need of something life-affirming
+valentine's day is killing me
+what if they never come to philly/nyc?
+how long will the boys stick together?
+i just acquired an extra/unforeseen $600 from the federal government since I did not receive a check during the 2008 stimulus movement
+this would only cost $575-$650
+i need to travel WEST
+LA intrigues the fuck out of me
+i want Eric Avery to sweat on my face/see him finally
+i want to see Dave Navarro for the first time
+i want to see Stephen Perkins for the first time
+there is only ONE seat remaining on the connecting flight from DC to LA
+i can use Harrisburg airport, rather than Baltimore
+i can get over my fear of being involved in airline travel without thinking about Atlanta
+concert is only $10
+club isn't too far from the airport, hotel is right by airport
+i'd feel so fucking cool to be able to say I did this, and have the glorious photos to spread around
+good chance I'd be able to meet Josh Klinghoffer
+this would be a minor "screw you" to the Olive Garden, as I would have to more or less call off and say, "yeah, not working this double today... going to LA instead, bitchtoad."
+flights are surprisingly cheap right now due to the recession
+flights are unbelievably reasonably considering the last-minute notice that the band forces upon us
+i need to live in the moment
+i don't want to miss Three Days or Obvious, one of which they are sure to play... oh, and Summertime Rolls *groan*
+also... Idiots Rule! and No One's Leaving
+i'm a white dread
+you only live once
+you only live twice: "one life for yourself, and one for your dreams"
+i would like to see the group in their own habitat
+my credit cards are empty at the moment
+i could have the best time of my life

cons:
-The band is quite obviously back in full swing now, and this is not the only opportunity to see them, as we may have speculated back in the fall
-I am scheduled to work all day (10 hours) on Monday, which never ever happens, without my volunteerism
-This $600 would really help out the MacBook Pro/new PC cause
-That damn bit of rationalism inside me that says this is insane
-I'm not the most street-wise individual around
-I want to live to see Polly in 6 weeks (god, I am obviously searching for examples to not go, when there are clearly very few...)
-I will undoubtedly be spending 16+ hours in an airplane/airport over a 48 hour period, could easily be an entire fucking day
-All this^ I just mentioned... is an hour-plus-some-change show really worth this headache?
-Something could go horribly wrong, in which case I would miss the performance, and thus punch myself in the grundle, then bomb the world
-I could catch them on this heavily heavily rumored tour... or, worst case, go to Lollapalooza and see them, which they will mossst likely be playing
-How fucking tired will I be from this?
-I will cry everywhere from the sheer energy of the quartet
-They mentioned an encore performance, either at The Echoplex or another LA club, fast approaching for those who don't attend this one... which I could probably be better prepared and organized and certain about.
-[this isn't going well, I should really just book the damn flight already]
-I could regret this for the rest of my life.

A Wait in Digression

2009-02-02T02:10:00.003-05:00

In ode to my recent realization that I have let far too many ideas fall out of my reach, that there are many grand results that I myself should have copyrighted... I'll say this now: Crucified Stride Records is something I want to be a part of.

Commence. I am drunk and listening to old Thievery Corporation.

These days I cannot stop my mind from settling on thoughts of my brother Tony, and also the atmospheric effect that New Orleans had on my life. I'm feeling that latter right now... That entire week, I was completely enthralled into the two records I just bought: Devendra Banhart's Cripple Crow and Captain Beefheart's Ice Cream for Crow. The common thread riding between the two, I felt was important, and surely it proved as such. What a monumental time. Though I experienced this on my own, entirely in the context of my personal thriving emotions for the duration. So much detachment lie across the tightrope of the one line crossing her heart to mine. You see, though it was the roughest encounter of love I'd ever known, I still can say I felt strengthened by the full-on envelopmental course I allowed to take hold of me. Ah, the bittersweet grip. I regret none of this; I wouldn't be precisely who I am now. Though I truly detested 2008 for nearly all of its stay. Glossy marble balls that fed our innermost self-interest. Denied yet still clutched.

For whatever it may render, bring forth our beliefs.

2009-01-29T02:17:00.003-05:00

Is it so much that we aspire to resemble those heightened men who share the glared-tunnel vision of blaring gluttony for common purpose? To divulge our domestic knowledge and its whereabouts on some up-and-coming projection of an outer planet excursion, that one that we so desire? If we reach it on our own mortal soil, our tears will grant us the reason we damned all this time, that we so convinced ourselves didn't previously exist. Yet we still crave the eastern front. I only pray, not for the wrong reasons. Given our allotted space for consumption, one would think we've already acquired the necessary restraints of temptations--not the case. We're reliving the struggle of carrying dead weight cemented to the ground. Somebodys name's been buried around.

Can't Have Enough Human

2009-01-16T21:40:00.003-05:00

Those swollen green lights that filtered the tranquility from my stomach
I felt were the single glimpse of what future would conceptually hold for me
In that autumnal bind of what winter summoned
Soon showered as a burden from the perching tree
Silence -- the only border between the threshold of calm and calamity.
That which gave birth to my aspiring needs after the aching conception
Fitting only the right changes in time of ill housing
The focus seemed better left to non-repair
And aims that would stretch further in larger rooms with unbridled puzzles
"I need that new girl, wherever she is."
Hums just as deafening, the sordid disclaimer
The dream girl, short, sandy blonde hair?
Food in these halls as meek, displeasing all in attendance
Ever since we dismissed death as apparel
Pinning down the pining, left to the pine trees
Boredom crosses paths with poor wisdom
What we had drawn as timeless script for our parents
Thought we had a better name to embark
Eleven less were bore of the holiday.
The staircase gave watch: I hoped for brief love
Through the curtains, I peeked at what the mist bred, before departure.
I gave my all to this hope.
It left sooner than I, that marvel of a girl I believed in
And later, again my worries were materialized in disappointment
Not of She, but of the natural unveiling of who we could become
As I wished for her to join me on the mountain
My hopes gave rise to tender decay,
broken only by the gentle plucking of her hearts harp

A Woman A Man Walked By

2009-01-16T19:03:00.002-05:00

John Parish and Polly Jean Harvey
due March 30, 2009

1. Black Hearted Love
2. Sixteen, Fifteen, Fourteen
3. Leaving California
4. The Chair
5. April
6. A Woman A Man Walked By / The Crow Knows Where All The Little Children Go
7. The Soldier
8. Pig Will Not
9. Passionless, Pointless
10.Cracks In The Canvas

The Times They Are A Changin'

2009-01-10T04:20:00.004-05:00

I just had a phenomenal week.

Philadelphia trip on Wednesday, January 7

The three of us took a shot of Cuban rum, then each took a beer for the road, 2 mile walk to the end of Main street, Manayunk. Proceeded to get slaughtered at Kildare's. I had 2 glasses of Chimay, one paid for by Mr. Brian, and 1.5 shot of Grandad's whiskey, also covered by the man. We were all very very well off. Later, chased a mouse for a while along the brick wall on the street, then saw 3 cop cars stopped at the Manayunk diner, where the guys bought foods. Initially, Chris was rejected from purchase. But the eclair conquered.

Went to Repo Records for the first time. Spent $84 (vaginas). Here's what they have that I must obtain:

Santogold (LP)
One Day as a Lion (LP)
Lick My Decals Off, Baby (CD)
CocoRosie LPs
Captain Beefheart LPs
Portishead LPs
Meatpuppets II (LP)
etc etc.

I bought,
The Bedlam in Goliath (2LP w/ planchette "Mr. Muggs")
White Chalk (LP)
Shiny Beast (Bat Chain Puller) (LP)

2009, cunts.

2009-01-03T05:06:00.000-05:00

I love Polly Jean Harvey.

2008-12-27T03:56:00.000-05:00

Believing that separation from the origin is the best path to take
That somehow, the open road, the changing places will all benefit
Our collective experience, our hope to growth everlasting
Then why, as these indirect requests vacate the stability;
Are we the dissipating ghosts of our trail in the atmosphere?
Should we not rather stand as wholehearted equivalents of our pride?
Touching base with the virtues our fathers fought to strive
Obeying every chance to take part in the opportunity of a lifetime
Yet now-- we stutter in the grocery line
We bake goods half-worthy of their recipients
And the love we demand
We less than worship its share

2008-12-26T03:03:00.003-05:00

I don't live elegantly; the beautiful people I surround myself with...
They make it seem that way
Crying into frustration, laughing into oblivion
Both elements of shame lost in hypnotic wonder
And less is the grieving past of the marble and hollow wood
These dates we've set as stone in penitentiary
Are given as the follicles by which bites the seal
Moments like this are kept and roam
Furthest from the smallest lighthouse
Exempt from all other illuminations abroad
We dip softly into the salt encrustation
Adjusting our eyes to the deeper sensation of sight
Once more born, often with two toes moving palm trees
The sentiment is lacking that of holographic backing
And the unity of swarming arthropods
Has all but forgotten the wrath of megalodon

Open to Lift

2008-12-21T03:41:00.003-05:00

Much much on my mind. I'll try to briefly expel everything here.

Please forgive me if at times you find my hand in my pocket of the past
Shrouded, shifting through the lost numbers and forbidden catch phrases
I'm tempted to find that mischief now, in the blooming hour
And all apologies if I can't see as straight upon your conditioning as I should,
Having lived it on my own, months prior, though now ready to give up the restrictions
Because past translates simply to chains, whether on neck, wrists, or ankles
Worst being the neck, giving you stifled vision of what's in front of you
Covering the fact that we were born with all required instinct
Knowing now that those karma carriers we spoke of
Are truly ourselves, for a past time
Past-times we've tricked ourselves into
All in harmony with our gentle aura
Soon summoning the depth of incision to the hand
Rotting off the servitude
In this crumbled restatement of what's pinned to her bedroom wall:
None will remain for certain. None that came offered to stay.
Any flux in motion lost inertia to the varying festive decay.
Wisdom builds craters while the ministry caters

Star Slight

2008-12-16T05:00:00.002-05:00

Listening to Acrobatic Tenement for inspiration.

Haven't written on here in a while. Doesn't mean I haven't been writing.

I'm fine. These weeks have been crazy though, absolutely crazy. When will this end?

Chris will be here in a day or two. For like three nights, so it'll be great.

"Like a boat without oars"

Goodnight.

Worthless Sack of Flesh and Shit

2008-11-28T02:07:00.002-05:00

^ That is me.

Dammit all. I am pretty drunk. And I have a lot of remorse under my belt. You see, focus is a foreign affair in this state, and in these days alive. I'm so angry angry angry at what could have been, should have been, had human kindness been a priority still in this world, and if I would put myself first and additionally, take some motherfucking initiative.

I am so fucking worthless. But that may never change. I remain a vessel of teleported wisdom, fever, hype, and such as inactive. Since youth, devoid of the basic calamity to triumph. Jesus fuck, I wish I had smoked instead of drank. This is pretty horrific, those thoughts that enter my mind. Instead of wondering why my prayers for a plane crash, first in Sept 07, then in Mar 08 didn't take place, I'm now wondering why that night, in New Orleans, when I wandered around the streets late at night, alone, while the love of my life was probably masturbating on the phone with her hunk of hell lover--- I thought, "why couldn't I have been mugged, killed/slaughtered?" Why did this misfortune have to continue? Why was I granted further access into life, when all it has proven to me since has been a trial of deceit, injustice, treachery, malclaim, abolishment of all human rights, more and more lies, lustlustlustandabottleofvoid

I am losingg my mind. It isn't always clear and truthfully apparent, because my love, though lack of respect, for others is so abundant even now. I go into work each day ready to feed off the boundless energy of circumstance, moments wonder and mischief, and all already fun... only to be spiralled into an apathetic warzone of slavery, abuse, and false appeal.

Damn son. This is not me. This is what happens when the world is on the way out, and nature and nurture are servants to the cluttered mess we feel inside our bellies.

I need to piss out the alcohol. Approx. 10 shots of rum is not recommended on a slightly empty stomach. Fuck.

I never learn.

I just keep adoring.

quip

2008-11-27T02:18:00.002-05:00

Title dreams for when she's abandoned herself
Establishing reason as a prefix to discovery
Sensory motors crave the unseen, untouched, unknown
And vacuum receptors are knocking out the competition
Therefore there was no chance for I
Disembarked on that which was a can without a label
In true form, in attestation to the sake of purity
Boundlessly loved, day after day

Ah Tom

2008-11-26T01:04:00.002-05:00

The horoscope is pretty much right on. Today was one of those times where my words actually meant something to people. Good vibrations...

Chris, wish you could have made it tonight. I'll just be lit to pop without ya. Today was one of the strangest days of my life, hands down. Didn't sleep until 3:50 pm, woke at 10:30 pm... we'll see when I next sleep. Busy ass 5 days coming up. Working 12-Cl (split shifts) Friday, Saturday, Sunday. That's at least 33 hours. So right at 40 for the week, in 4 days, as I work tonight. Nice.

Stadium Arcadium really is something great. It's almost too obvious, and this is why I spent the better portion of 2 years not listening to it, though I somehow know it inside out regardless. Music is the largest force in my life at this point. More so than ever. 2009 will unquestionable be the biggest year in music thus far in my lifetime. Exciting shit.

The best, only truly fantastic aspect of my employment at the Olive Garden is the occasional desserts I will acquire during a week. For instance, last month, I once took 4 slices of pumpkin cheesecake home. This past weekend, it was 4 slices of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. That's about $25 a box, people.

Jane's Addiction's cover of Ripple is incredible.

Beyond the Salvage

2008-11-25T01:16:00.003-05:00

As dangerous as light assisting from the inside
Illuminating your temptress weave
An eclectic moment in her eyes
Were breaching all sighs of relief on your heart
Evading this way and that, avoiding all clutter and deficiency
The moment the starkness of brew spoke, I knew I needed a bigger knife
Than I had on hand, in anywhere within arms reach
And the dagger was coming too soon and scuttle out from under the weight
And the accuracy of that pending stream was unquestionable
Target selected, timeline skewed, utter chaos ensues...

Everyone has met someone
And I'm detained at best
The furthest shot at dynasty
Withdrawals in timid whisper
As a snarl waiting to be hatched
On an unknowing crowd
Those both that tremble bits
They shook again with pride
In humble clips of fervent past
Envelopes wholly inside lapse
Renewal from a golden age
The pond deferred this given
Sorry for the prospect waste
Indifferent to the swollen cheeks
Blood clambered on the rocks
I fulfill that promised state
An emergency to the task at hand
Evident and fallen ill to mess
Crumbling pillars of our hope
Pressed against the time we spoke
Of openly proposed commands
And deviant tokens paid
Before the collected sand
We'll dispel winter for a breeze
And again pray and hope
No one's ever gonna leave you
Just to close another book
And in concern of the planted seed
You only need attest to me

Fear of Fives

2008-11-22T01:21:00.003-05:00

A boost into your youth
Where the quandary is misplaced
We gather and spark those plugs that needed rewire
And instigate those thoughts that pop into recession
Global union and a forest of the dollar
Splash the bridges, it's obscene
The marrow is hope stricken
The pathway the membrane
We organize the pope in depth casket

Series of Remorse

2008-11-10T23:30:00.008-05:00

prelim:
The smell of warmth
The feel of home
Oh, how complimentary you are to me
It's a stretch now, but we tingle with the cursory urge
And if any a day is to come with our proximity being tested
I forfeit the memory of having it any other way
Though it may deserve a mention, the clutter that has shriveled

chapterone:
I'm so happy to be rekindled
I want us to be us
We were delivered, hand-wrapped in veil
Just wanting to be friends
We were as new again
Foresight to the new age of dancing/antics

chaptertwo:
past-time preferences, illuminated by force
any patterns set were dividing the stage
and the symmetry is a falling block
when the pilgrims etch past the future
any devices since inch past the suture
we witness ill perception to the void at last

onwards:
what alternatives are there now?
we are running low
as science narrates nature
and all divinity is sculpted by virtue
meek brays decipher the common code
by which the marking admits defeat
of a global union incited by reclaim to speech
what follows suit should be left to the memory therein

drifted back and forth in the truck bed
and then opened my eyes skyward, in defense I fought a mechanism
and before the shutters closed gave glimpse of better faring men
I am lying down, on a soft resort for rest, after which begins my journey

here's the thought:
How would that feel?
Being told, "I'm writing this book about you and I."
Fear-gripped, or melted by pure flattery?
You see, it's drenched with distraction

a problem with his public displays of affection?
more for you to have on display?
"well yes, but men and women see things differently."

I lost ya, start with "before I begin."

Cornerstone Rituals

2008-11-08T19:22:00.001-05:00

I’m so very tired of religious and political affiliations justifying what has since become adequate procedure for Constitutional abandonment. These globally downcast men contradict that which bred their freedom, their beliefs, detest any opposition to their ulterior leads, and above all, continually act inhumanely towards any other facet of society, be it due to riches, lack thereof, in some eyes; ethnicity, status, gender—what be it. The white man still takes what is wrongfully his own, blessing the path with a kiss and repentance, eager to trudge more slowly and deviate the scheme from a foreign branch of interdependent wealth.

None is as it should be. Let tomorrow breathe down the backs of those aforementioned with frigid grip. All remaining in this lush interval will seek the higher understanding of what it is to roam the woods.

Fancy Sprint

2008-11-03T02:22:00.003-05:00

We'll soon again follow my lead
And convince any details to stay and believe in the conviction
Though it's thus far unorganized, scrambled, and latent
Sometimes its marbled at a moments notice
See, there is little craft in the courtroom
Your summoning some humble hollow pleas
And the showmanship appointed is a burial before sea
So much in my earshot;
These foreseen goals glimpse the shape of triumph
Moping around the stiff social scene

I was going to frolic In Rainbows, but wound up in Joe's Garage.

Selective Adornment

2008-10-30T03:47:00.002-04:00

In these times, which many suffer past the first to last decade,
Granted we all have filled the hollow shoes
Do we not stand more reformed than a humble man's beating?
Don't you know that beliefs can change? A prelim to a default.
Same as feelings, direct the puncture in the emotion.
We were again in orbit, without my understanding as to why.
Depleted as the woven stints, much to my plea and fancy.
Formulative years relapse by without notice
The storming entities of shelves give glimpse to the collapse
A ferverant starving plague left kneeless on a broom dispatch
If the swollen parked the knolls at eve, would gibson even dare mark darkly?
A giving basin of swift, given furies, blatant worries and governor's fears
Wading off into distance I scuttle theories under my last, naught stitched plan
My breath faded of jury, and notched up, glimmered by tears
A jeopardy landscape of scapegoat vesticides, blemished pendulum at a corkscrew ring
Travel the other plots of land before settling on a twice foiled bog.
You know the knew deep scrumple can if the knocks walk forward, fall backward
Dweezil came under spell, and mummified curfew all but ran dry
another of your two chosen, schemed. I rifted, not to mention drifted, at the alarming rate of missile-fired seeds. A bell pepper calls backward, don't you mention already gifted paths
This is the time for effeminate glory, they all reckon back to when. An alumni fell ill to chlorine, and the guidance was all but unseen. Dipped in ink and packed to the pill. Scripted sink, the mockery they fill. abolish misfortune, at least for this night, when all past due was curfew, the evidence starkly frights. Had I a pill to sneak past, the woven stellar frames, I'd mark the caps that think last, and drive the swollen paved.
Could I now dispatch, a warrior under oath? A frozen man, soaked sweating, a brief but brittle cone? A marvelous rendition, of those trample toes. The menace we were seeking, are we klept to pose? I am saturated by the glow flats, does that make me round? I am blinking by the daylight, and avoiding sound. I'm displeased in every sentence, I move shit around. Those that occupy attendance, are the unalone. If the memories transcend this, then we're heart to heart. Moses came to eels in pleasure, and left voided lots. Mills derive the ill consesus, do we dare to weave? Mock the villiany in presence, kept our soul to speak.

"Like bits of city, floating off" -EA

2008-10-23T05:14:00.002-04:00

So you didn't do a summer tour in support of Help Wanted because you've been rehearsing with your band, Jane's Addiction? That's fine. The box set is getting 6 month delay treatment because you're having a blast living in the moment? That's perfectly acceptable.

This is the greatest day in music since Zeppelin last December. Haha.

Live your legacy, motherfucker. Breathe it in.

Stance

2008-10-18T02:02:00.002-04:00

I don't bother with my horoscope anymore. I already know what's coming in that regard.

If my mother has always been true, then your "faithless town" has condemned you.

Really, the more I think about it...

2008-10-17T02:37:00.002-04:00

You are the most self-absorbed person I've ever known. And now you dare say, also completely shallow? Damn, I'm a fool. You're on the level of Sarah Palin, and it's a damn shame.
But hey, that's why I call you The Escapist.

To quote the wonderful Adam Duritz, "if you don't want to talk about it, then it isn't love."

All right, so I was charged for the incident of 2 weeks ago. Kind of took a massive shit on my day today. 2 weeks of gratitude, shattered. Lord knows, maybe I deserve it. Oh well, it's in motion now. Going to be a costly pile of dung.

Also, Kathy and David make my life whole, server and bartender at the OG, respectively. Kathy more or less sees my decaying spirit, and tells me that the wretched struggles are worthwhile, because it only brings me closer to great things in the end... even if it's at the end of me, I guess. David has lived it all-- insane, unadulterated times of brilliance and remorse. I am really inspired by them both, for different reasons. Anyone who survives the rough weather of humanity's foul winds and later offers nothing but optimism... good for you. It really makes the world brighter, and keeps me smiling.

Ah, what a headache. I just need to sttttttopppp everything, orient and collect myself and nurture my spirit for the next 4 or 5 months, all the while saving a good amount of cash. Because REALLY, at this point... I could not emphasize enough if I even knew how:..... who knows what waits tomorrow. There is no knowing.

"The power of thought and imagination is beyond what we can comprehend."
"I damn to hell every second you breathe."
- PJ Harvey

K, I got lots more to say:

2008-10-16T03:53:00.003-04:00

I am slowly becoming comfortable with Maynard. His presence makes sense to me a bit now. And he sounds pretty nice sometimes.

Aight, my state of mind; ever in flux, usually sedated, heavily turbulent by Manifest Destiny and Enlightenment thinking?

No no, this is all wrong. *Whew*

Okay, apparently someone thinks they are the center of the universe, and I still mope along the turf, half dead to myself. Which is sometimes true. Though I now... am still torn, after four months. And it cannot continue, and I'm sure I am paved in stone, but dammit, this whole deal is so backwards. This summer should have been mind-erasing for me. And I don't mean that too hastily, I love and respect everyone who gives the same back, but I really needed to get the fucking edge off this summer, and it never happened, save for some out-of-mind nights with a few select, diverse friends, on multiple occasions, in many scattered combinations.

Oh, and.. "you are gonna have to find out for yourself."

part of the reason I left Arby's so suddenly, and without much thought of announcement. Just wanted to leave those years to the grave. I MUST find something, and I keep telling myself that Philadelphia will sprout stems. My best friend lives there, a few other GREAT people, plus Lizzy is about to venture that way, Meghan and Shelbs are nearby, and hell, Nakeeda may be attending Temple University... so all would be in place, I feel. Plus, many of these people really inspire me to accomplish things, sometimes in a non-creative way, which is probably beneficial. Though the more I deliberate and sit around with stars above and humbled breaths below, I realize that my heart will never securely be fastened while pursuing a traditional type of schooling. I simply cannot well acquaint myself and refamiliarize myself again and again with stagnant dictation and sighs lacking thereof.

this is so scrambled without junction or direction. I just know that there's something(someone) I'm needing, my slow drug(someone) who can help all these troubled breezes. Because in reality, I am very close with the hum and soft echo. I much look forward to cleaning the leaves in the coming weeks, fast approaching. Yet, I seek companionship all the while. During this time, I would like to share the joy of being domestic. And I know you understand. Dammit, we all have it, and it was so bountiful and refreshing last New Years. So strikingly delicious. Yet, it all vanished, as did any ambition.

So I must carve for myself a meek beginning. One that demands proper growth and nurture. Like the committment to hair upkeep, perhaps. Anything of reward.

And you know we find ourselves, again and again, within close proximity, non-estranged faces who bring to us good conversation, and we then realize we've driven this past. The times we spend in the cluttered mess, help us reach our hand further out of the muck. The endless days.. I miss them tremendously. None of this 36 hour nonsense. The real deal, 4 days of whatever we so desired. And perhaps that world is possible, and we'll find it next year, or in the future. It would be so empowering to know that you possess a very volatile ministry in your step. Better than the long gone days.

fijepoaifjeopawif

Going to sign on now.

elsewhere.

Open my ears and defend my eyes
I see the truth that the scars devise

WTF!

2008-10-16T03:41:00.002-04:00

At the end of the day, you just gotta be happy with yourself and that's all that matters.

Dammit, but it's not that easy. I've been infatuated with this woman for 4 months, feelings aren't going anywhere, anytime soon. Oh Christ.

If I cement myself further, there is no way out. Though, I'm again entering relapse, where I must be with people at all times. Well, maybe not. Maybe I need to sober up and find myself.

2009

2008-10-14T05:36:00.001-04:00

I would like to reiterate my priority of future concerts:

1. PJ Harvey
2. Rage Against the Machine
3. Portishead
4. Radiohead

nothing else realllllllly matters right now.

Thought Collection

2008-10-09T02:36:00.009-04:00

This weekend holds promise. Including all the following:

CTL visiting Friday-Sunday...
[i must really take a bunch of photos. i neglect this all too often]

Friday - buy a case of brews, food, other accessories, dream catcher session, catch up on life and its hardships, hit up Arby's?
Saturday - hit up OG, walk in the woods with camera, possible Westminster trip, purchase Mario Kart Wii or Okami or more necessarily-- new work shoes, hang with Jess & Karen
Sunday - Chris departs, Religulous w/ at least Jeff, Alex, Than, work 5-Cl, spend time with Shelby-Renee

listen to the following:
Trumpery Metier, In Rainbows, Volta, Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fungus, One Day as a Lion, Niño Rojo, Acid Tongue, Uh Huh Her, Kind of Blue + extra sessions, various Zappa, Our Delicate Stranded Nightmare

I will update this with the actual events. They will differ greatly. Especially if Chris forgot to pack Kind of Blue, which I sense he has. Shit.

-----------------------------------------
WHAT REALLY HAPPENED

Friday - Chris arrives at 9:45, hit up OG at 10:20, Jess serves us, Jenny refuses to talk to me, Scottie and Karen are zoo animals, Than & Steve are a bit distant
Outrageous amount of smoking between Chris and I beginning at 12:20. Many realizations are found and treasured. Session of Uh Huh Her blows Chris to pieces. Acid Tongue is lovely. Minor Cuts and Scrapes is a nice finish.
"Bless his heart, he was being a bastard the whole time. He's that one name I'll always hate, on a level I didn't know was possible."

Saturday - Woke at noon, showers, meet Shelby & Aaron at Pizza Grille... half hour late due to bullshit, three mushroom pizza, Shelby is Shelby, no Kim, Jeff is disgruntled with Oklahoma, Chris and I shop all day at Best Buy, Capital City Mall, Barnes and Noble, etc., Chris eats Arby's, Adina's a bitch, I finish my mushroom pizza, pick up Jeff at 10:50 and head to Jess', madness until 3 am with Karen and her... take Jeff home, Chris and I pass out promptly upon arriving home.

Sunday - Woke at 1:30pm, Chris is disgruntled that he has a lot of shit to do, he showers and departs at 2:30, mom and I eat dinner, work 5-11, I become cupid, come home and drink and be at Tony's mercy until now... 3 in the morning. Chaos cauldron.

we listened to:
Acid Tongue, Uh Huh Her, Kind of Blue, One Day as a Lion, Niño Rojo, In Rainbows, Rage Against the Machine, Saul Williams, Minor Cuts and Scrapes in the Bushes Ahead, Miles From India

Tomorrow should be decent. Off work for two days, but the mother and I are doing mad house cleaning. BUT, lots of drinking with everyone. Should be a fun week. Even more so for Jeffreys.

Lay it down, turn it off, cut the transmission

2008-10-03T00:52:00.003-04:00

Thursday, October 2, 2008
Thus begins the shitstorm

a hail raining debts, popping seeds
burying helms and carrying pleas
deafened by drills, and hollow in noise
opportunity struck, and now hammers a voice
withdrawing seems to cut slack
believing seems to give back
unknowing, we tremble and stutter-quack
if i bless you this gift, keep me by your maelstrom
strip me of all tangible, man-made ecstasy
and tamper with the courage that was still left in me
taken my pony and carlessly dropped on the pavement
i hurdle many stretches, yet this one nearly brought growl to my prostate
look beyond your dashboard and apologize for the stench, please
had you any truth in your dialect, i'd have agreed to lesser circumstance
momentum falls off a round foundation of hushabyes
liberated vengeance is a farther cry from crooked justice
and the stain of those sparks burn the ash through my wounded knees

Post-Post-

2008-10-02T00:42:00.003-04:00

Redemptions-- wrongs and rights
Ignition, script, and response
Indisputable, a fragrance unnamed
Vesper in tears and solemn in touch
Bore the damage by the goods
Drinking off the baby's thumb

I am cluttered, yet inebriated
I stand awkward, yet with broken back
Lifting tables on fury's breasted mount
Leave that damned thought to the drain
I take all too literally
Though I speak in riddles
And none hear me
Seeped in whisper
Echo opens lock
I voice the colony forwards
Watch the allusion crimp and the apathy again, hard swirl
Cliff note the histamine and petrify the plasma screen
Dampen dose the thrill of being
Left for dead, and palms torn bleeding
Haste and replacement

As a child,
being told
again and again
"we'll do it
just not today"

her mouth, singing
those curling tremors within
i spoke to, and slept next to fortune
Remembering the lesson so well
hard to forget when it's your waking dream
crippling the sigh of manifested unrealities

For a distant love, and her fallen gemini moons

2008-09-29T01:43:00.004-04:00

Borrowing red tents and fort sweaters;
Making mockery of cornerstones
Flock disseminates of birth
Cornered into a blizzard of warring pleas
The days in excess
Draft a circuit in Marlboro mastery
Tied a sprawling emphasis to shame
and cast a debaucherous malfortune
a cast of voluptuous contortions
Devouring the somber brittle step
In lost acquaintances we kept
Tuning to a falser rune
Those ticking volume counts
ingest

Cartilage Reform

2008-09-25T02:50:00.002-04:00

There is no answer, now. What a brittle sentiment. Damn, those words knocked me through the wind and fiery echo, wretched with burden. So soft a cradled massacre stumbles half withdrawn in utter fury, a tempest left lossless so suddenly in a primal tribute to the fortified shifting keeper. Alarm goes fast like a bell dragging curdled luck. A penance grows dim and turns soft. Yes, like a new gifted arsenal of cardiac arrest. A timely fortune was then bestowed upon us? Would we keep it? A treasure, a title, a triumph

I, dear, near crumble.

Composure, kneeled

2008-09-09T15:24:00.003-04:00

You've got to be in power to nurture the lands
The drone in my echo is piercing to the wind
Must have a discernible touch to be so apparent in midnight
Brief, calming thrusts of vibrant disenchantment
Tackling the triumph all others lack, the touch of love
The brittle tact of the mightiest to fall
In all others, better known is a forfeit to value
A dusting off of sturdy obligation
So much as to be an apathetic, limp mule
Coiling barbed wire envelopes the soul of ineptitude
Ascertainable to that same pulse of thrust
Not yet in rare form, true bloom, bomb beauty
I alone will taste the still foreign stench of nirvana

September Has Come

2008-09-01T02:10:00.003-04:00

I need to fucking shower. So yeah, I'm gonna do that, then be back.

All right.

Let's add something to the list of things to never ever do:
Drink 2 bottles of Chimay in 30 minutes. Holy mother of Christmas.

Also involved in these past few days; issues of equality, Black Suede takeover, A Manual Dexterity, Jeffrey laughing his ass off at Pineapple Express, Heart overshadows Journey, and two dirty slugs.

Pulled in a bit of overtime. Third week in a row. Many tricks sneaking up sleeves lately. My hair is really knotting up.

September 4 is the big night... Rock4Change concert, with an improvisation by Flea, Frusciante, Klinghoffer, Mozgawa. Should be nuts.

Also on Thursday, I may join Meghan in visiting Nic... Philadelphia love.

K, I need some sleep. I vomited for 1.5 hrs yesterday, and worked 11.5 hrs immediately afterwards... BED TIME. Meeting Shelby for lunch. Out

The Torch

2008-08-30T11:51:00.002-04:00

We must abolish a twisted history
There's too much done and not nearly enough achieved
Through broken, stiffened arrows, the aroma of meek severed teeth
Bound in clench fist and predestined remembrance
Better clear those cobwebs from your throat
And revive yourself in cough
When choking is the only sure shot
Into redemption
The typewriter marks an anniversary of sorts
Of a rift in guided time, stark contrast of a world both unseen
And in our deepest, cluttered ideals
The worst of two alleviate the stench of you
What a crime left unbuttered
Serving better the toast of betrayal
Than my assist in another grievance
Keen as in my passage made west
No dead-end roads narrow scare me away
To arise the fallen sympathy
Boxcar in open fashion
Drape the hooligan thereafter

Unsettled at the Seams

2008-08-26T03:59:00.002-04:00

Burst in an implosion
Birth not yet in knowing
A gnarly little dirt path
All grievances mistaken for lessen known pavilions
A marvelous chest to feed
A driven, syllicable narrative
Aprons and shelves united
Derivative sounds of a foreign smell
The references names of eviction:
Emancipation and evasion
'Obvious' sounds good in a bar
With hardened acoustics and heightened sense of impairment
Car bombs exiting the cylindrical shaft of rebellion
Causing a rift in the scene of triumphs use of spleens
"And true love waits"

Scottie Lynn

2008-08-22T01:06:00.003-04:00

And I am not yet satisfied
Not by the unsurprising dissolution of our welcomed stay
More intimately the quest of resolve that I alone shoveled
into blackness, the deepest ditch available for any transit
I scorched my own knuckles, held under the sky too long
If fear, able to give birth, spawned this course of action
Allow me to place motion in rotation
Courteously propelling a common find
Give me no hollow words, and don't promise to meet me halfway in shallow murky rivers
Because you've already proven you can't swim
And now you dare cast your own story, devoid of artistic relativity
When did you feel so solemnly close?
Those moments I shared sleeping breath with you, I wanted to grab hold of the artificial landscape and slap my goddamn hand across its willfully tormented grounds, uprooted and erected by my own indulgences
Yet I did in fact claim it then
Many mistakes invite a seasonal change
Few who resonate to duty offer proverbial mange
Though i felt for myself, born to do so, it was no unaccomplished deed
I attested a greater hope in vicinity of our contradicting tasks
You misled me for a reason
I ate up the time line of an extended interlude
And I continually nailed my own coffin shut
Please forgive me.
I ask for your time
To simply take mine

Crippled Juggernauts

2008-08-20T04:53:00.002-04:00

I made purchases. $85 worth. And this is all before Absence is even on pre-sale.

11spot (formerly GSL shop):
Omar A. Rodriguez-Lopez - A Manual Dexterity: Soundtrack Volume One 2LP
The Mars Volta - Scabdates 2LP
The Jai-Alai Savant - Flight of the Bass Delegate LP

musictoday:
John Butler Trio - Live at Federation Square DVD (NTSC version)

Another round of Ikey albums, it seems. But seriously Infrasonic, bring on the Absence.

Oh, and I am so buying the self-titled Saul Williams album and some book by Chomsky.

Trappist

2008-08-16T15:02:00.003-04:00

Okay, so they've masturbated while high again.
The noon roll high at dice
It may be 3 pm, but it's still wake 'n' bake
When your toenails match the color purple
In these, company of frogs, we find the bothersome plague
Why is it!? Always seems we do not retain the most crucial steps
Only the broken way to planetary glover
Whispering against the wind
We have two dozen seeds!
To plant the soil against
Open airway seas
A plot taken thick, immense
Journeys into the holistic view of a penchant slew
Defy my outer region
As your interval season
In the bleakest reason
We find logic abandoned
And emotion at the helm of all measure
The strings cost the ropes attached

Revealed

2008-08-16T02:45:00.003-04:00

What does it all mean?
Maybe you'll awaken tomorrow and see
I slept the fortune away
We kept the pageants in fruition for another day
In this slide, I found the dial to be exact
And in my own grievance, I missed the opportune tact
Disgruntled by the obedience of every missing fire
And soon enough the warring jets will tune into desire
By the raving of the breasted hawk
The moments of deception
Lead more closely to, a void of you, in depths of weakened tire
Yet I saw past the nearest to the door, to your face
You step and summon yourself to my immediate attention
Blaming the yellow heat of woven gristles
Though you see the same as all of us
You're not the goddess you were
In bathroom stalls, of less than privileged halls
Our hands clasped in eternal forgiveness
A dusk so solemnly divided by the hopes
Your father laid onto us, the broom forced us into the shrubbery
I daintily questioned the flock, I bring back the simple extraction I bought
What most belonged to the fellow misfit, and in this:
You never were-- these tasks are not at our hands
Though you ask me so subtlely, "are you not going to say hi to me?"
Knowing well, I peered first and foremost
The ever-lasting dart of true iridescence
You hone the target to the truth, but forget which landmark the birds of prey detest
Will there be a moment of glistening glory?
Whether with you or the next hybrid of spoken mishap
There is nothing to deny
You always loved men.
You told us so suddenly, when you left home.
Your home is your tradition, your traditions your value, your values your ineptitude
Your glory your own
I hold nothing in place so common as to mistake the calm land as the air breeze
While vapor escapes the vault
Nurture reveals its treason

Tapestry

2008-08-15T03:37:00.002-04:00

If I choose to drop a single, rectifying tear onto the typewriter, to cleanse the dampening of the blood shed
Is any privilege of the capacity left unabridged?
To see this, is to understand the centerpiece
Burn all my altruisms in the steep decline of society
What matters more is the rendition yet to come
Of warrior women whose wombs we are to fill
And the decency by which the flow knows no name

Futures

2008-08-12T04:13:00.004-04:00

Will the world see proper tours from all in 2009? Led Zeppelin, Jane's Addiction, Portishead, PJ Harvey, Fleetwood Mac, John Frusciante, Gorillaz....

Keep 'em comin'

In a few days I will be ordering the following ORL vinyls:

A Manual Dexterity: Soundtrack Volume One 2LP
Calibration (Is Pushing Luck and Key Too Far) 2LP
Omar Rodriguez-Lopez & Jeremy Michael Ward
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fungus

This will bring me up to 9 of 10. Forget about Lydia Lunch for now :)
There's actually too many things I'm contemplating buying right now...

Morningside Beauty Bliss

2008-08-11T00:56:00.002-04:00

It is our prime domestic violation when there is no consideration for the legacy built
Dirt on pile was founded, clearly gobbled up by the mystery, our next best foe
Greatest only to none, doubt the holy favorite and risk losing a new key
The firmament wasn't thought into existence as quickly as our native reflex deserves
I got one my pilgrim inside the shelter before the quarantined transition could begin
This is when it all lost focus, snagged the velcro and found deficiency
You might tell yourself otherwise in order to help sleep come
Though it only drags out the hurt in the upcoming punish realm
A fury sank forsaken unsung in a quilted hero of sea charm
Why would this be happening without us?

Pineapple Expression

2008-08-08T02:43:00.003-04:00

What are we doing with our lives?

Ho, boy, I'm still torn. Yeah, it's lame, I'm lame, this whole deal is laaaaame.

Just gotta enjoy the life, though. Scottie joined Daniel and I at the theater tonight. We laughed our asses off. It was thoroughly pleasant.

Ha, I'm pleasant, also. That's why they hate me, fool.

Omens of a Cruel Storm

2008-08-07T05:46:00.002-04:00

The Night of Broken Glass lies buried atop the platform in the museum.
Hands clasped in steady retribution, to grow a surface to the blades

DC LP

2008-08-06T02:38:00.002-04:00

Today I'm going to DC with Shelbs.

There are people driving around the loop outside with their music playing loudly... the same fucks who probably dicked with my gas cap in my car.

I heard from Simon for the first time in at least 10 months. He's doing well.

JohnFrusciante.com is down. I can only take this as good news. I shall prepare for an announcement soon.

Hipster Salvage

2008-08-05T00:45:00.006-04:00

Role reversal -- a lesson in forgiveness
You can't have the best of both worlds
Nor should anyone force a less divine taste in any intrinsics
Dine on the doormat and leave your scraps to the critters
If no other chose before you, I'd have an antler at your back
We always think we've seen it all

"I feel like feet are abused so much"
"Do you ever get that feeling that... your mind is just bored? I need some progress in some area..."
"Though other people bring me happiness, I'm intrinsically unhappy"
"If I'm a taken man, it'll be... not a feast"
"self-defeating chances"
Endings are killing me slow / I only ask for this / Emptiness replace my soul
These feelings weren't always pretend
In these times, the wind surpasses the tide
Dreams make up for your life

Today: Take car to garage, clean my room, help Greg with the aquarium, Arby's, Grandma's, hang with Tony and/or Jeff
Wednesday: Washington DC day trip with Shelbster, get-together at Steve's later on
Thursday: Olive Garden & Pineapple Express w/ Steve, Alex, Freddie, Adam, Jeff
Friday: Work 12-close, receive another wonderful paycheck
Saturday: Garage sale, Work 4-close
Sunday: Work 12-close
Monday: Work 4-close

we'recomingtogetyouwe'recomingtogetyou
hahaaa.. begonia

I cannot stop listening to Curtains plus all 3 Portishead records. Very excited for Absence and the Calibration vinyl in a few weeks. And here's to hoping that Frusciante X and the Jane's Box (A Cabinet of Curiosities) drop on the same day... because that would make my life. I'm going to buy Uh Huh Her and One Size Fits All very soon, probably when I pre-order Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fungus.

Let's get to planning 9/20, people. Make it happen, Miss Earle. And plan for an early birthday party, Mista Chris.

I'm gonna go start cleaning the room, actually. After I pay some bills. After I drink some beer. After I do this and that...

The Day My Wrist Broke

2008-08-04T04:32:00.003-04:00

I keep forgetting that the horoscopes really are deserving of attention.
I need to ask someone about a certain something.
And opportunity can come in all sizes.
Ha, hottie-pants Scottie
Mystique is a hard swallowed pill
"new evidence is what we require in this world"
"a thousand flowers could bloom.." -- Don't let it die on the vine
All I ask
Portishead III is brilliant, and Freddie is one of the funniest people alive.

"Of Blood Blue Blisters"

2008-08-03T02:39:00.002-04:00

Ink saturates and the verbs permeate
The lungs palpitate and the gravel permutes
In discrepancies we find virtue
In redemption we find savory sufficiency
In the heroics we find sanctuary
Yes, they are courageous
Filling the vault with the insides of walls

And I know nothing's ever never gonna be ok again no how...

2008-07-31T04:27:00.002-04:00

Yes, I am that boy at the bus stop.

Here's the closure of July. The fourth consecutive month of turmoil. What am I saying... what has this year really offered me yet, other than perpetual scolding? I hope it ends here. August will get me out of debt. Yay.

Tomorrow I am spending the entire day with Jeffrey, save for work at 5:30 with Shelbs. There is much to understand here. I am missing Nick, Nik, and Simon a WHOLE fuck of a lot. Yeah, and the unnamed also.

Chris and Nikki couldn't be any better to me. Really. And you're the only two people who I knowingly allow to read this, so tremendous props to y'all. Today I spent a lot of time seeing the contradiction in everything. That is, in words, routines, actions, psychology, lustful lunges, etc. It all needs to end. And I have to start with myself, in truth. I need to put it all out there with people. That way I can at least drop the constant regret in my life. I believe. Oh, and in terms of "belief".. I have none. I finally was able to see my mother for more than 20 minutes, and we spend most of the evening together Tuesday night, over dinner and at Grandma's. She really understands me well right now, which is essential. She knows of my utter void of self-worth, my increasing lack of faith in humankind, and an awful detestation of a higher power. One would think this all is quite a problem for one who is attempting to gather his gear and put motives in motion. I am fearful, quite often. I cry a lot these days. But it reaaally helps. And when little else does, I have no problem admitting this. Yes, August I will make approximately $1500 which will alleviate a lot of my stress. September the cash with continue... until 9/20. Jeff and I are planning quite an extravaganza. It has to be, we owe it to ourselves. And, friends, you owe it to yourselves to join us, to just forget about reality for a bit. Please.

These contradictions... they spawn from all over, sometimes I see it in conflicting advice you'll give me, friends. Sometimes I just can't stand to listen to others. I feel I deserve all ears when I need 'em. I never expected this, I never ever did. Yet, I must say I never thought life would be a cruise, either. I lost my way in many regards, admittedly. A friend of mine recently embraced his homosexuality. This is truly enriching. We need more bravery with self. I can't wait to hug him. I would love to walk this earth and not receive a single glance down low. I am aching for the weak to quit being so obvious, quit overriding the truth with fairy tales, and to finally give in and let out. Just become truthful in all aspects of your being. Please.

If I had to choose a partner right now... wouldn't be any easier than it was a week ago, a month ago. That's why all I ask of them is time, goddammit. The more I contemplate, the less I see what I'm doing as anything but natural sensation. There is real atrocity in wishing for solitude. Ah, I know someone who wishes for "companionship." What a thought. To cut a slit open... AllNeonLike. And to think I'm secured myself in the unwanted zone-- "friend status." Please.

The intangibility of sparking dynamics always remain. Do you not see the possibilities of retrieval over distant decades? Has history and illusion not already paved a clearly picture for us of this equivalent injustice? Ah, I feel too much for knowing so little. Wanting death for myself is very very unending. But sometime throughout each day, I couldn't be further from the sentiment. But at some point in duration, it stings me senseless. Numb is such a conceited idea. yet.. I do acknowledge it as my core in these times.

"I'd like to laugh at what you said
but I just can't find a smile
Wonder why you can
struggle with myself..
Hoping I might change a little..."

The hold is rich in its embankment eastward. I talked to someone recently of the personality trait of inborn idealism. I possess it, and there is no escape. Tightrope for an Escapist? Yes, so I told him of my trait, and I see it as not such bad a thing. Though, it does ail me now, it is also the ignition I strive towards. It pertains to just about every ambition in my course. It's not set, and knowing talk is cheap, I wish to soon fulfill one of the above. Because honestly, I do not know what to do with my life-- meaning, I have not yet for certainly claimed a direction as my calling. Though I've tasted a few... I am usual the guy on the sideline, aspiring. I always feel a bit powerful, however, when sitting there, I am wholly uninspired by the work before me. Gives me something to look forward to. A grant, if you will, to devour the walkway. Hmm... yeah, that's sufficient. Only gonna get 5 hours of sleep now...

"I can't see nothing good
nothing is so bad
I never had a chance
to explain exactly what I meant"

The Rip (results of Portishead application)

2008-07-30T03:42:00.002-04:00

I just prettied her up for the next man in line
You'll never have anything else like me
A Delicate Procedure, what we witness now

There's something I've got to do
There's something I've got to do...

My Time

2008-07-29T02:58:00.002-04:00

Find shelter, find shelter
"When Jesus said, 'love your enemies,' he probably meant don't kill them."
"Circus bears on the quilt I wear... with a girl."
This should be the worst day of my life, yet I won't let it.
There is no measure to what you would do
The upkeep runs too high and dry
Distaste is a forceful state in my mouth
The iron bar that slides close behind ya
Is the burning gate the clamps the cork shut
Twist off the inhibition and kick the shoes off
"Like an antelope out of control."
"What once had cheered me now seems, insignificant."
The estrogen to make me more divine
"not like a girl... such a classic girl"
Less high and more mighty
I need to read BONE
I need to play Pikmin
I need to tell a story all my own
Tomorrow, now, Pan's Labyrinth?
How many more times.
Who would you rather have honor you?
Will it ever come to flourish... undoubtedly, no.
Thank you for this common courtesy you newly weaved
It always feels like a scam, and handles like a scandal
I misjudge my front step, I trip on my sandals
No one now is throwing the dodge ball
"fish hook and line"
No cruise control to curve the paths that I preach
My purposeful scowl will haunt the helm of this treason
All burdens down in the depth of our season
Are we the malt ring, or trinket splinter
And those, the deaf sing are too full of lister
The sting of peculiar crutch this day
Seems only apparent in the glistening tender
"Out of season, I'm happy and..."
My 20 minutes are worth your 30 anyway
Perhaps the feminism needs to end
What is this menagerie
We all have our own shoulders and hips and that's final
You should have had your own baby to hold
The familiar feet that drape the centerfold

Oh my god, Polly Jean Harvey is an absolute genius. Dig in.

2008-07-28T03:41:00.008-04:00

To me, it sounds like baseball heroes only
Today my diet consisted of: fish planks, green beans, red potatoes... strawberries and two slices of cake.

Enlightening as fuck conversation with Jeff tonight. So much needed. God, life is a bitch in the ass. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Haha.

"The best thing we can do on this planet is decrease negativity and increase positivity in our lives."

Gemini (5/21-6/21)
"Honest communication doesn't always feel too pleasant, but it is always right."

One Day As a Lion is absolutely fantastic. Oh my god.
"The bastard son, I spit non-fiction"
"Wait a minute, man... talk like that might limit your lifespan"

Now on to Homogenic.
"Coincidence makes sense, only with you."
"Love's a two way dream"
Goddammit.
make that three slices of cake.

I am torn between two women. Hardcore. This has never happened before. Oh my god, it's wrenching.
It just fucking tore apart.

The thing I love with Jeff Smith's work is, he wants to get to the core of our essence and nerve, showing what is capably murderous.

I hear you would like to claim the courtyard
As your own indulgent desire
But hear my reluctance to the offer
We don't know each other yet
We don't know what each of us would rather soon forget
Feel a pulse of our creation to our own salvation
We are so mated with our souls in this hour
I want to embellish this power to the next man in line
Hasn't lost his mind, who can see that my time is long gone
Yet I stand
And I wait for the next moment to further endow myself
To bring us right back to health
We'll always be what we've seen tonight
And let me tell you, the logs ain't always right
Where we start ain't where we'll begin to fight
And what we bought isn't always quite the sight
But let me tell you, no matter how long our flight
The truth will always come to us
In daytime or in night
No matter what we say it will not find decay
It will always bring to you the flowers of the next day
The truth will come in tales, where petals will unveil
Our entire soul, our dialect, each day that we entail
Our soldiers kept, unseen to most, but yet we still prevail
And let me tell you, soon each of us will grow our tail
See the next day or the last won't come to see us soon
We'll rather forget in multitudes
The same as I did before I drank a brew
It's all the same, why don't we even sell a few
Give her a broomstick
When candles don't work
In this society of sobriety
Brimstone on Broadway
I'd appreciate a few of the other instigators that negate what I fixate
I don't believe in evolution
I believe in escalating the contribution
What we bellow in the night
Will we find what we need, tomorrow
Bid on the straitjacket capsule

2008-07-27T04:09:00.003-04:00

I only wish I were as smooth as Captain Beefheart. I don't yet know how to emphasize my intentions through delivery. Oh, it'll come. Just like a harsh stroke of an unforgiving marker.

Too Human?

2008-07-26T01:17:00.002-04:00

It couldn't be more simple:
I am not happy to be alive.
Happy and bleeding
I cannot cover it up any longer
There is no point, there is no comfort
Those that surround me have slight imperfections, to their own demise
Conversation is nothing
Plans mean not a thing
Promise is a dirty word
Loyalty is a half-drenched dog, looking for shelter these days
What more could I ask for?

After Dark My Citys A Fuse

2008-07-25T03:31:00.002-04:00

"She'll rule the world one day like her promise in third grade."
He'll soon be wishing you weren't going anywhere
Which would be true of me, had I been he
And in this regard, I am pleased to be not so close
To the illmatic drama loose feed
Read my rights three times
For the crime already spent
I passed out in my car last night, this morning
I awoke this morning, this afternoon -- a lampshade apart from the lifespan

Mind as a Font

2008-07-23T04:04:00.003-04:00

Your other gimmick clinic
Planets and towers traverse me, I seldom see
The stiff restriction in the wave of goodbyes
We stalk the streak of intervention that would lay down in rhyme
If we all had the same dream tonight
What would the government tell us?
"It should all return to normal soon."
"Oh, it'll be fixed in no time."
And when I look at you, it's so demanding
You know we have more to share
We could craft a real gem of our spontaneities
Risking it all, for the balance of life to surge
I am now finding that the unspoken must exist
For the spoken to emphasize the mark taken
Don't you further feel the hum?
"Oh, this uncertainty is taking me over"

2008-07-17T06:08:00.003-04:00

I detest the manual labor of flirtation devices.

When, and if this is the start then, it seems, of what would become a journal, then I will diagnose it as such for myself.

What I am learning now, is that many adopt a character, wholly not their own, when surrounded by a few of their crew. Don't dose me if I'm wrong, but when did we lose our identities as ourselves, no matter alone, with a close one, with a group of casual friends, or in front of a national projector. At what point of smuggling beneficiaries and compromising, negotiating, swindling our integrity into powder must we reach before all hope is not lost.

I once recalled a favorite sermon, one that greatly mattered then, one that fought to take my life, to push me into a cauldron from which excused the flaws, ignoring every last gift the elders would have brought us.

Oh, to only know what would have trumped, then. Our beaks are ravenously taking myth by storm, in an unholy cloak, beautifying the dimming wrath of our angels. To bless not in the potent verse, but redeem closed captioning upon distinguished dialect.

Hoping for more, yet saving less and less -- the buffet becomes clear -- and I must save for that occasion, the last sacred hymn. Tumbling the trapped flavors, and not savoring the rest.

I'll regret what's now half frozen. I'll entail what now is claimed to be, as I own it. It's all native blood. A leaf, a flower called to ask the recipe of...

Frusciante, Balzary, Smith, Kiedis, Rodriguez, Rother

2008-07-14T06:00:00.004-04:00

This is so startling, I feel as though it was only meant to touch that moment of time
And dissipate with the chemicals of the sweat-induced echo
Six who know the end is near, and bellow for the next circuit of lamentation
Arranged in the mellow landscape of divine intervention
Displeased apprehension, following the formal upbringing of a false god
Turn your taste buds inward to the opening night
In a steady synagogue, redeeming the fog in stride
Before preparing the nameplates of the last remaining to stand
I keep recalling these dreams in a staircase, swallowing that of a distant voice
But these are my own discrepancies, allowing my ideals to shine through
I would have given her the blessings of a criss-crossed battered day, at 6 am
The moral of the story is that the story has no organ, no bass to fill
The template of this glory is the resounding torment of the kill
Gift of cunnilingus on the belated birthday celebration evening
What does she stand for in my vision of the genesis?
And have I found her, staged up in another clever mess?
I had never seen eyes turn to a purer state of clarity prior to this
And envelope me so confidently, I myself could shatter the forests calamity
If they keep this up, we're surely come running back for more
How the evidence creeps back and folds against us in the decisive intake
Would the closest mirror to a hummingbird resemble the image we all had it up to be
Hand-fed the clovers that dampen the mule on its turbulence to trails end
You did all this as well, without opening the telegram, or simply join me in song
More and more the travelers come to feed
On the jovial glow from the autumn road
Do judge more closely, she may speak
Do harness closer, the tools necessary to harvest the weepings of
Discharted in this domain, the magistrate has no further need for
Or if we disengage, is the proposal of the skin peeling backwards off measure?
We only began our masterpiece. The early blooms were extracted in breeze
Yet the tempest in our refuge has no need to impede
The earliest we've seen the spring
Is during demise of our solstice
Wool crests of guidance
Hold strong on the prodigies

"We Really Do Live in Our Minds"

2008-07-07T14:22:00.004-04:00

It's really not necessary to have nine babies.
"Why does the apathy keep growing, from the bottom to the top"
I should be leaving for Puerto Rico on Saturday
But I'm burning bridges left and right
My greatest critic, hell I may fear you
The ladies want their liberation from the stereotyped nation
Let us be seen as the damned fools we all are
Don't dare say we are boys, incapable of knowing what a real woman desires
Then force gracefully your advance, that of a woman, onto a boy, of sorts
This doesn't happen, nor it ever will.
The only submission you make is the subtleties you don't speak
I ask only to translate them, meaning kept from me or not
Don't we all yet know how to step apart from our work,
and view it as fresh material, unknown before our intake
No, and never again.
I used to think time would reason it all out.
That our masked indecrepancies were all left out to dry.

Writings at the Beach, A Collective

2008-07-02T19:42:00.004-04:00

{Recent Attempts at Fluid Expressionism}

Amidst Transition

A flawless balance of life, presented itself to me in true fashion
Yes, everyone has to offer an untitled piece of their work for borrowed perception
Free the scavenger in your will, I swore I'd one day buy out the store
What's true then is now and again
What's ripe will soon peel down the diaper and find shame in light
What's blue will return the wallet and scratch through another hue
Dissolve a fin in this filter and smoke the nicotine in
Upwards fast the vantage point
The summit becomes ill with overindulgent floods
And we may ask ourselves to balance this waiver
Or shrug, stomp out the vegetables, and cough up our virtues

Resume

Your first kiss during sunrise on an upheaveled deck
I can't focus on the acorn
When the trespassers won't let us forget
That soon the windfalls and training realign
Bringing in a new age of democratic, misguided uprise
Casting bouts in stones and foreplay
We're leaving toddlers by the toolshed for play
Children laughing at their own innocence
--now this is why we break bread
And fast for months without release
Unheard hostility, moonchild in fragile descent
For fear of overriding hooks necessary to catch drift
Toss allegiance as carelessly as you pound your chest
Pluck the hosed-down weeds in the middle of hail
Just reconvene when it's convenient for you
Allergies cascade on total dollars spent
Backtracking the waking hours
Hasn't yet paid off in retrospect
Our privilege as patrons don't transpire the dialect inept
Push aside the flagpole, assemble the seashells in vertical design

Entering Eden, Descending from a less formidable pedestal

Coming into my own, or carving a more perfect shape of miscarriage
Either way, filling out my desirable purpose
Becoming a more full-bodied molecule throughout which to move freely
I realize my capacity to love, self reflect, and better assess my gratitude
With all follow suit quite easily, daring an implosion
Nor would swallowing up all the aforementioned affirmations
of my silicon satisfaction, slipped silently into my bed
of frozen tranquilities. Asking a marble to blink
May as well lead twice as many sheep to slaughter
I bask unholily in truths, dismembering the claim
Set out as early as was gifted by the fathers of foresight
Now if one were to bloom as vibrantly as the woman
I saw, and shook from the untoppled treetops
Please me further under shaded roots of restless fertility
No slumber will question us in our marvel
if we speed twice ahead of planned route of travel
Who dares mark the distance sunk between a forming oak
And murky, distilled waters, boiling overpoint as instructed
we teach our medicine to the concave ferret, twice under oath
to deliver a more spoken proverb than pronounced at best
The yard wanders more slowly if again retrieving the lipstick
from the moss will provide any means of furthering adoration
keepsake, and in end allows more wholly, a true indentured remorse
Russia can't remain a landmark if Ireland is still untouched
By crowding hands and busy eyes at sunset,
Oh, if only you'd arise and lay by the side
I'll come stumbling towards the bed, a sheet half firm
Reason's just an unborn bird now, stifling the hole shut as we speak
We sneak our way heavenbound, unbridled by the braille removing
Hug me in the afternoon after the initial shock has left me sensible

SICILIAN TUMBLE

If we all wonder why
it can't be so certain
As to snap shut
and keep the corkscrew
An armies first weapon
behind velvet ropes
Hidden doorknobs
to the centurys vest
Escaping vestibules
and hardening the luck
All whining with the current
struck by the vines
Molten shine to the dark suspend
and again, mole over mice lurk, hungry
Why try and bribe the feeders
when the mouths overflow
and grow distant, unclamped again
Bearing the fruits of swift promise
Alluring all appendages upwards
I favor the dark, unkept flavor
A true beauty, that of a delicate, overarched gem
The cave came and mounted up
Please remind this shackle to sleep, and erode down
Towards the rescued eye
Fermenting in flame
Translucent, stark, robust.

Vertigo Incumbency

We are standing in the hands of all breath
What is he hoping to find?
This whole place is on decline
The swirl of sand beneath the yellow encrusted bubbles
Friction off the foam in the blackened corrugation of stems
Turning logs in this amphibious trudge of steps
All the nights you abducted, sent in flurry of wince
Good luck with the girl, her stance before leaving
I finally gave in, they offered too good a deal
Just enough to get you over the bridge
And safely home, no matter if you've depleted by then
Stand the test of luck, unique creature on deck
I miss you all not fairing well
Enough to stay and make nest again
In complete avoidance of reason, much like the women,
That weaved this so and uttering shortly after
The proud decadence of bitter bones in tufted orbit
Remote pleasures succeeded then, shouting bursts
Of those same damned bubbles.
--Leaving the beach in malfunction, cleft plated--
At the hand of all wrong-doing
We've sold our right to be silent
And what's next is chambered compliance
We'll all watch the malt and turn the key to shame sideways
Until there is something of which to remember
If only I could recapture these
Soft, blissful moments of brilliant ecstasy
I latch loosely in this clutch of mesh, returning
Unfolding to the reverend, I match the burden
Disregard the dependency, order your own new age attitude
Don't bring the life out of this mess, cordially your own

Soundingboards

Imagination is wild
That of youth
Floating into the brisk clean scent of eager redemption
Of what other primary tool of chosen hue
Could a better man teach
Than that of his spiritual creator?
A moment blocks the triumph before
The hand marks twelve in twilight
My shoulder slumps in rest for early hours sake
I keep a knowing crest to feel the sun
Just learn how to slow on task
And keep the rest of us secure in all the ticking
Darling sunset -- it sounds like a zombie daughter
Yet the blessing seeps pure
In all our trivial attempts at blasphemous deduction
Hold onto a swirl of time in truth
My brain is rocksteady
Hate the heat and learn to drill a penance
Our forefront is dripping with existential fortitude
I need to stop taking in strays for Christ's sake
Now, if it was between Frank and Ron
I'd be more satisfied than I would
With Barrack and John again
You know we're in your grove of honesty
The insecurities will fade tomorrow
"into constant infection"
"You make me feel like the greatest girl in the world"
"So close that wound, or else keep on bleeding"
"When at peace, we war with our oars at friendly beavers"
Mix - "Art exists for its own sake"
"Devotion is...."
All encompassing patterns dismounting the landing pads we placed

Exhumed

When harboring the face unbeautified
One leaves little to the imagination of tasteless recollection
Dying in the chalice, masked proposal
Hoped to gain, deliverance intact en route betrayal
More is fresh and new again
I am battered in the absence of flesh
Yet grow more hardily in the staked summons
Resuscitated by the hand that yearns for longer reach
Denied twice again until finally rejoicing
Breathe heaven in its name, that makes two of us
Still unashamed, discontent in the following months
Raspings unborn to soon forget the mellow scent
October blooms a death hatch awaiting
Pure swoons of quick-quipping rapture
Retired by the grill, a lofty assessment of broken arrows
The night you live by is on display
Yet the dimming hallway lights only tomorrows crop
Could a basket be burning to be filled?
Or do we all just step back to reclaim the field
Yield the treasure in your right hand
Allow the left to clutch the remnants of a heart, unyielding
Desire, desire yet to vent.

Immediacy

Garcia, we've lived a bit harder than the rest of them
Yet we can't denounce their trials and ambitions
Because all experience shared is only experience gained
What's earned is unreprimanded at the time of inclusion
And thinking on our exchange many weeks ago
I feel the need to make the statement known:
Don't limit yourself
Wait, I found more light in acquisition
And I know I had more room to lead her in life
Not that it's over now, but stored restfully on display
My mentor in these times is the same in life at large
And he says there were no two like us
Yet, nothing is true of this moment
Save for the immediacy to carry on
Others in our virtue strive by our side
And we confide in them, rightfully so
The turbulence cascading the blimp of this murky altitude
Means nothing if a leader does not arise
To pursue a greater good
For a more global union
Devoid of the urgencies that debilitate our needs
Racking our heads, relinquish undead servitudes
Let us stop for more honed reflection
We're breathing. This parts us from the sand
Falsified palm trees don't distract me from the present
Duty to further unfold, we glimpse detachment nearly as bold
My mess of cordial action seems impaired
Until I recalibrate my inner sanctum upon awakening
Dose the tide in infancy -- what less could break?
"It's too deep a springwell to abandon now."

92 Questions

Well, I at least hope the story's interesting if not important
We turned a twig to an igloo, broke bark over brick backs
What I see around me is weak women and men as mice.
Oh, and so happy to see me, is around me to be?
Disloyal wires, shattering the corpses truth unburied by a better hand.
What effect does marijuana have on the eyes?
A pillar bank multitude of systematic incongruencies
Are leopards leaping so close to the strawberry patch?
Do we then, as children, fall into a mouse trap?
If I begin and end square, do I really go anywhere?
When minds relapse the tides crush, do our words seep deeper in?
Ordinances are struck by an eyes keen fertility
When two paths cross, it's a dusk that brings epiphany
Twice removed from reality, I control all the plots you feed
Remember the icy smooth sentiment as it creeps, crawling away from me
Torn a mastodon crutch, obliterate this man musk.
Despairing a worthy notice in a team taught hostility
It's dropping two peanuts at a distilled rate of pace
Are you, are you -- answer me when I'm speakin' to ya,
Is you pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?
The strong women are a wonder, and our privilege in life
Don't dampen these pardons on your own budget of loss

Hurt 2

May it lay heavy on your conscience
And shadow you through the waste you pave
Dance on yesterday, as it's now your only redemption
Uncertain of which misfire holds too true to you
He calls this closure, I prefer the term deceit
None know the drop we kicked
You are that very wooden heart
Only to be roughed up by the punches
Maybe if we just leave each other be
The tides come close behind, bringing in our efforts
Those sidestepped revisions we glanced at only momentarily
The new shades of hypocrisy
In contrast to the future celebration
Torn down, the memory installed too late
I'm glad you're unselfconscious
Because you're the beauty I treasure
I understand all hesitations
Having lived this life too
Yet the timing strikes me sincerely
And devotion to the path of leaves
Has me to ask of this fortune for tune
And still you pave over waste
This your inborn incompetence, a latent unnamed
Unloving in clutch, plead once more for your wings
Distaste and distrust
Alone, I have felt no grief
On this day, the solitude speaks

Diversity is Speaking in Tongues

Ah, and what did you ask of me?
Use my words, fulfill some destiny
Yet we are the remnants of a reversed coalition
There are those of us who still stand apathetic
Who see no true merit to a race for change
An oath on wheels, priority placed on
Further anchoring a mans ambitions to a mat laid on the ground
Our concern over the next predetermined manifestation
Of curated criminals and experimental genders
Leaves room for only little concern of which
Direction a race at large should take.
Have we not seen the roots of all evil,
Bellowing and basking in reattributed mass hysterics?
Led by the familiar game of play money
And hollow retirement
Our rhetoric speaks in tongues
As does our denied diversity
I demand so forcefully of myself
What I know already to be true
What tomorrow brings, is in the blanket unkept
And yesterdays sorrow is waking up too soon

Hart

What you're waiting for will never come
This child to entwine herself in the sponge of your life
And in the airways of your desires, she'll attach like warmth
Which she is, ever after the stain on this porch
Undefined -- the moment that drips dissent
I need the unexplained
And I feel it now, without resolve
Yet just as strong,
Best to wash that face from the smile
Bringing no less to you, unfathomably
Unless I walk in parallel courts, once more
Devote myself unknowingly, to union in
It's everything I'm looking forward to
And everything from which I'd like to depart
The seal of trust has been forgotten
Let alone smashed on the pavement outside the refinery
I always thought you brought me to my core
Before you tore it apart without constraint
And I'd discard my brain with the reluctance of a pistol
I used to go buy my muffins.
Lay down in this shape unexhumed
Do I have you to blame?
For this trap upon wheels
Etching ever so slowly closer to the stairs
With no guiding light attached to the pole
I'm seeing your interactions in comparison to our own
Furthering my need to never forgive her for the deeds
Wash us all with the pride, we'll soon give in

Conviction

Maybe I awoke just to watch her sleep
I remember, in your place, I stood solemnly prepared
And in the bleak intermission, I dance elegantly your style
My myth in clear devotion, snarling for a mate and key
Give me the right to be silent
In this echoed swirl of all our mistakes
Battered ribs, battered raspings
Ornate floral depictions on the shelved arrangements
Denounce yourself the faith of God
"Why you need Visine? Ain't no parents 'round here"
Reject mediocrity -- "applesauce and crushed pears"

The Saints' Petit Four

So far, June has not been going my way
We are being spoon-fed a fabricated reality
My love for the world, the people I share it with
Worth more than the breath I pass within
Outlook of the scopes, rebirth yet unknown
A plagiarized spiel, a nook without cranny to fill
Outsized in no time, discourse in the step
I ask you no fools take measure inept
Provided esteemed, love measure unclean
And cables intact, react without back
Mortified souls, decrepit and soon we'll forget,
The submissive backstep
A name, a blanket without aim -- I claimed it
So there's reminder of a broken spool
Take no action, just step back, believe the moments brew

Veil of the Braille, Lifted

2008-07-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

Someone, please

2008-07-01T03:07:00.001-04:00

Please release
This pressure off me

Flakes

2008-06-20T03:41:00.002-04:00

It's not poisonous, it's uplifting
What am I doing here
The silences are making the guilt stay
If you are here for that reason,
I don't think now is a good time
What's wrong time and time again
The forlorn passages that scribe pillars of malt

Ah, Christ, I don't even know anymore.
I feel so self-defeated, and it really gets to me
I want to experience something right now
Anything, really
Something worthy of devotion
I'm just about to let loose the floodgates
And say, fuck it all.

Initiation

2008-06-12T00:39:00.003-04:00

Yeah, last night. I have high hopes, and I'm really wishing that's not all.

It's my 21st birthday, and I will now proclaim to the general public that I am single.

They are reissuing all of the Björk records on vinyl on 6/30. I want Vespertine and Medulla, of course... yet, I just found out that they're $60 a pop... really not sure which one I'll get now.

Zach came over tonight. Good times.

Damn. So yeah, last night... this girl is gorgeous, we click, she gets me, I get her, her eyes make me shit bricks, her skin makes me piss copper... I want to spend time with her. What a woman. That's what I need. A real WOMAN.

Oh, and yes, Her Eyes Are A Blue Million Miles.

The Lame Waiters

2008-06-06T04:41:00.003-04:00

Yeah, it's coming.

I'm a bit lost right now. Truly. Ha, I just now realized that I work with someone named Jon T.... not Theodore, though.

Speaking of which, snagged 4 tickets for 09/20/08 @ The Electric Factory. I am fucking stoked. Approximately a dozen people interested in attending. I will be a walking Ebay.

We're about to have our first African American president. And people care about this. Christ.
It's all over, doesn't matter who becomes heir to pollution.

Romania

Holy fuck, the new mutated Cygnus breakdown is gorgeous. I am in need of the rhythmic expression.

Are NES really selling for $300 these days? Holy mother.

Um.. my brain lost a lot of love this night.

10.5 hour shift, here I am. Damn, I need to get my guitar fixed.

Peace

Sometimes

2008-06-05T05:25:00.001-04:00

Lately I've been letting people have it. A healthy dose of my distaste for their actions.

And fortunately, I've been respected for doing such.

Truth...

2008-05-30T03:27:00.001-04:00

My mom loves Jane's Addiction.

That makes her cooler than most inhabitants of Earth.

Peace

Expectations

2008-05-29T01:27:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I thought to myself, "maybe I awoke just to watch her sleeping."

Two more weeks.

Spread them across the floor...

2008-05-23T15:01:00.004-04:00

If you keep it up, you'll be born.

But you won't ever listen, I'll bet...

Pantomime

2008-05-21T19:29:00.002-04:00

I won't dare erase the previous entry. That was a very fragile state of mind... one that resolved in a blackout. World news.

"It is only the very beginning of a glimmer of a start to this process. It is an idea that could die on the vine, which is precisely why it has taken me this long to post anything, but it is also an idea that is pretty pregnant with possibility. That feeling of possibility in itself is a sea change for me. We will just have to see."
- Eric Avery

Hah, I forget what I wanted to convey with this. Goodnight.

2008-05-20T04:13:00.001-04:00

Georgia Moon fucks ytou up like a sheep on a diamonad mpyth trophy / ornadte flask in veil trigute mikles.

Omelward as alewys yoooooooooooooooooooooooooo
call

Grips of addiction

2008-05-19T17:10:00.000-04:00

My barbarian just went from level 41 to 48 in a matter of 30 minutes.

2008-05-18T04:46:00.002-04:00

Ah, fuck it.

We clean up well, he says.