maybe it's my own bloated sense of self, but I seem to think of much of my experience as being unique. perhaps that comes from my overly contemplative nature, but I find that a lot of what I encounter is a serpent carrying its own tail in its mouth. I see a cyclical event in a lot of what has happened to me, and for that I'm extremely grateful and gives purpose to my meandering. It also offers some depth to what I believe to be the greater forces involved in all our lives. and it's here that I've grown so much this year! It's been magnificent for the most part... still struggling to recover from the narcissistic intruder of my life for those 18 months that I can't fully regain, but mostly I've detached from the crippled reality I led. What I'm getting at is what I've been realizing in such detail over the past few weeks, especially with my weekend in Philadelphia a few weeks ago with my dear Nakeeda, Amanda, and Lee family. Not to pinpoint these few specifically, but I can't express enough just how much we all live our own lives. How different everyone's experiences are, which in turn is then wrapped around their perception of what is to be. Truly, we ALL have such drastically distant recollections of our place in this time. I forget how this feeling even began to arise in me, but it has only been furthered by my new job opportunity at an Amazon warehouse. And new classes, especially new classes. I'm much more open as an individual now than ever before, and seem to have begun to embrace people/things in social outlets. I'm happier, is the point. I still have those awful days, most prevalent when one likes to peer above the murky ash, but that's not my concern.

Ugh, this didn't wander into the land I was searching for. Very tired. Hard to direct such an abstract realization. I'm just pondering all the relationship struggles I see around me and all the inner turmoil people face without acknowledgement. It's a shame. I still have my fair share. So much birthed out of leaving the Olive Garden, I guess. I dropped off the biggest weight on my life, without much remorse. And it was fantastic. On the other paw, I've distanced myself from a lottttt of people. Some I still love. But it goes to show that I had to reroot from my own skin, and not rely on what I knew so well and comfortably for too long. Also too comfortably was the damage incurred and disrespect applauded on a continual basis. So here I am changed.

Tony's out in 9 days. Starting to process this. I can't.

My brother's 25, BSSM is 20. Listening to "Echoes" by Pink Floyd for the first time in years. Currently falling into a Frank Zappa spell, also.

Sixteenth of April

Today will not soon be overstated.

Mr. DandelionVolta, Dante, ripped the Coachella webcasts of Omar Rodriguez Lopez Group from yesterday, so I've been watching their performance throughout the day. Cedric spits some "no condition is permanent" shit, so I immediately look into this and it seems to be an important reference.

Then I talked to Shelby for the first time since February 7. So distant and impenetrable, I find to be fitting words. I was a heap of a mess for a good hour or two. Talked to my brother on the phone, gathered immeasurably precise knowledge/advice/banter/experience/insight--overall profound, much needed offerings. Saved me again.

My uncle is standing in my room, looming over me as I wrap up this discussion with Chris. I naturally hurry because I've been neglecting his presence in our house for the past hour. Then truth be dropped like a fly--"I'm engaged."

How can I possibly respond? Handshake/hug, disbelief, questions, surprise, excitement, tears/another hug. This is the complete opposite of what I've known my entire life, and I don't mean this harshly, but not lightly either. I lived with this man for 16 years. He's always been too disjointed to form proper relationships in life, from whatever series of malfunctions that this "condition" stemmed from. Always so rough, rugged, eager to displease; "you bullied people your whole life to get your way," my mother said to him last week. "That's what she told me," of his girl, Brenda. So much can pass away. This makes me cry right this second! It's like the veil is lifted from over this huge sector of my personal life. My mother can have meaningful conversations with her older brother after 55 years, as a direct and unfortunate result of their mother's passing, and this sense of rebirth and this gleaming..... yeah, I'm happy. My mom saw them only two days ago when she learned this, and she said, "I've never seen two people just glowing so much."

So here's to happiness within family, a very basic, defining, and crucial piece of our lives.