Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Saturday, September 24, 2011
maybe it's my own bloated sense of self, but I seem to think of much of my experience as being unique. perhaps that comes from my overly contemplative nature, but I find that a lot of what I encounter is a serpent carrying its own tail in its mouth. I see a cyclical event in a lot of what has happened to me, and for that I'm extremely grateful and gives purpose to my meandering. It also offers some depth to what I believe to be the greater forces involved in all our lives. and it's here that I've grown so much this year! It's been magnificent for the most part... still struggling to recover from the narcissistic intruder of my life for those 18 months that I can't fully regain, but mostly I've detached from the crippled reality I led. What I'm getting at is what I've been realizing in such detail over the past few weeks, especially with my weekend in Philadelphia a few weeks ago with my dear Nakeeda, Amanda, and Lee family. Not to pinpoint these few specifically, but I can't express enough just how much we all live our own lives. How different everyone's experiences are, which in turn is then wrapped around their perception of what is to be. Truly, we ALL have such drastically distant recollections of our place in this time. I forget how this feeling even began to arise in me, but it has only been furthered by my new job opportunity at an Amazon warehouse. And new classes, especially new classes. I'm much more open as an individual now than ever before, and seem to have begun to embrace people/things in social outlets. I'm happier, is the point. I still have those awful days, most prevalent when one likes to peer above the murky ash, but that's not my concern.
Ugh, this didn't wander into the land I was searching for. Very tired. Hard to direct such an abstract realization. I'm just pondering all the relationship struggles I see around me and all the inner turmoil people face without acknowledgement. It's a shame. I still have my fair share. So much birthed out of leaving the Olive Garden, I guess. I dropped off the biggest weight on my life, without much remorse. And it was fantastic. On the other paw, I've distanced myself from a lottttt of people. Some I still love. But it goes to show that I had to reroot from my own skin, and not rely on what I knew so well and comfortably for too long. Also too comfortably was the damage incurred and disrespect applauded on a continual basis. So here I am changed.
Tony's out in 9 days. Starting to process this. I can't.
My brother's 25, BSSM is 20. Listening to "Echoes" by Pink Floyd for the first time in years. Currently falling into a Frank Zappa spell, also.
Ugh, this didn't wander into the land I was searching for. Very tired. Hard to direct such an abstract realization. I'm just pondering all the relationship struggles I see around me and all the inner turmoil people face without acknowledgement. It's a shame. I still have my fair share. So much birthed out of leaving the Olive Garden, I guess. I dropped off the biggest weight on my life, without much remorse. And it was fantastic. On the other paw, I've distanced myself from a lottttt of people. Some I still love. But it goes to show that I had to reroot from my own skin, and not rely on what I knew so well and comfortably for too long. Also too comfortably was the damage incurred and disrespect applauded on a continual basis. So here I am changed.
Tony's out in 9 days. Starting to process this. I can't.
My brother's 25, BSSM is 20. Listening to "Echoes" by Pink Floyd for the first time in years. Currently falling into a Frank Zappa spell, also.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Sixteenth of April
Today will not soon be overstated.
Mr. DandelionVolta, Dante, ripped the Coachella webcasts of Omar Rodriguez Lopez Group from yesterday, so I've been watching their performance throughout the day. Cedric spits some "no condition is permanent" shit, so I immediately look into this and it seems to be an important reference.
Then I talked to Shelby for the first time since February 7. So distant and impenetrable, I find to be fitting words. I was a heap of a mess for a good hour or two. Talked to my brother on the phone, gathered immeasurably precise knowledge/advice/banter/experience/insight--overall profound, much needed offerings. Saved me again.
My uncle is standing in my room, looming over me as I wrap up this discussion with Chris. I naturally hurry because I've been neglecting his presence in our house for the past hour. Then truth be dropped like a fly--"I'm engaged."
How can I possibly respond? Handshake/hug, disbelief, questions, surprise, excitement, tears/another hug. This is the complete opposite of what I've known my entire life, and I don't mean this harshly, but not lightly either. I lived with this man for 16 years. He's always been too disjointed to form proper relationships in life, from whatever series of malfunctions that this "condition" stemmed from. Always so rough, rugged, eager to displease; "you bullied people your whole life to get your way," my mother said to him last week. "That's what she told me," of his girl, Brenda. So much can pass away. This makes me cry right this second! It's like the veil is lifted from over this huge sector of my personal life. My mother can have meaningful conversations with her older brother after 55 years, as a direct and unfortunate result of their mother's passing, and this sense of rebirth and this gleaming..... yeah, I'm happy. My mom saw them only two days ago when she learned this, and she said, "I've never seen two people just glowing so much."
So here's to happiness within family, a very basic, defining, and crucial piece of our lives.
Mr. DandelionVolta, Dante, ripped the Coachella webcasts of Omar Rodriguez Lopez Group from yesterday, so I've been watching their performance throughout the day. Cedric spits some "no condition is permanent" shit, so I immediately look into this and it seems to be an important reference.
Then I talked to Shelby for the first time since February 7. So distant and impenetrable, I find to be fitting words. I was a heap of a mess for a good hour or two. Talked to my brother on the phone, gathered immeasurably precise knowledge/advice/banter/experience/insight--overall profound, much needed offerings. Saved me again.
My uncle is standing in my room, looming over me as I wrap up this discussion with Chris. I naturally hurry because I've been neglecting his presence in our house for the past hour. Then truth be dropped like a fly--"I'm engaged."
How can I possibly respond? Handshake/hug, disbelief, questions, surprise, excitement, tears/another hug. This is the complete opposite of what I've known my entire life, and I don't mean this harshly, but not lightly either. I lived with this man for 16 years. He's always been too disjointed to form proper relationships in life, from whatever series of malfunctions that this "condition" stemmed from. Always so rough, rugged, eager to displease; "you bullied people your whole life to get your way," my mother said to him last week. "That's what she told me," of his girl, Brenda. So much can pass away. This makes me cry right this second! It's like the veil is lifted from over this huge sector of my personal life. My mother can have meaningful conversations with her older brother after 55 years, as a direct and unfortunate result of their mother's passing, and this sense of rebirth and this gleaming..... yeah, I'm happy. My mom saw them only two days ago when she learned this, and she said, "I've never seen two people just glowing so much."
So here's to happiness within family, a very basic, defining, and crucial piece of our lives.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
2010 Forecast
Records to be released this year...
Gorillaz III - Plastic Beach (march 9)
Broken Bells (Danger Mouse & James Mercer) (march 9)
Jimi Hendrix V - Valleys Of Neptune (march 9)
John Butler Trio V - April Uprising (april 6)
Omar Rodriguez-Lopez & John Frusciante (april)
Omar Rodriguez-Lopez Quartet (John Frusciante) (april)
Lisa Papineau - Red Trees (may 4)
Swahili Blonde - Man Meat (John Frusciante) (july 6)
Red Hot Chili Peppers X (+Josh Klinghoffer) (october 2010)
El Grupo Nuevo de Omar Rodriguez-Lopez II
Atoms for Peace (Thom Yorke, Flea, etc.)
Jane's Addiction V (-Eric Avery)
Chad Smith's Bombastic Meatbats - Meet the Meatbats
Speed Dealer Moms (John Frusciante & Aaron Funk)
PJ Harvey X
Foo Fighters VII
Silverchair VI
Portishead IV
Saul Williams IV
Serj Tankian II
Zechs Marquise II - Getting Paid
Eric Avery II
Santigold II
Autolux II - Transit Transit
Free Moral Agents II - Honey in the Carcass of the Lion
Dot Hacker (Josh Klinghoffer)
Gorillaz III - Plastic Beach (march 9)
Broken Bells (Danger Mouse & James Mercer) (march 9)
Jimi Hendrix V - Valleys Of Neptune (march 9)
John Butler Trio V - April Uprising (april 6)
Omar Rodriguez-Lopez & John Frusciante (april)
Omar Rodriguez-Lopez Quartet (John Frusciante) (april)
Lisa Papineau - Red Trees (may 4)
Swahili Blonde - Man Meat (John Frusciante) (july 6)
Red Hot Chili Peppers X (+Josh Klinghoffer) (october 2010)
El Grupo Nuevo de Omar Rodriguez-Lopez II
Atoms for Peace (Thom Yorke, Flea, etc.)
Jane's Addiction V (-Eric Avery)
Chad Smith's Bombastic Meatbats - Meet the Meatbats
Speed Dealer Moms (John Frusciante & Aaron Funk)
PJ Harvey X
Foo Fighters VII
Silverchair VI
Portishead IV
Saul Williams IV
Serj Tankian II
Zechs Marquise II - Getting Paid
Eric Avery II
Santigold II
Autolux II - Transit Transit
Free Moral Agents II - Honey in the Carcass of the Lion
Dot Hacker (Josh Klinghoffer)
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Overtly Vague
It's so interesting to see people go back and forth, having indirect dispute, through the wonders of the modern era. I've been witness to this in a few instances lately, between Tara & Xavier, as well as Perry & Eric. It's childish, sure, but we ALL do it at one point or another, given the convenience of text on a computer to take a jab at someone. Why not partake, it's readily available, it's our new basic mode of comfortable communication, and it renders fewer consequences than a proper, face-to-face resolution.
Not that we ever resolve anything. Man, my place of employment is a royal test of my love of humanity. It births a lack thereof. People are SO sensitive. I remember recognizing myself as immature.. and still do when the need arises. But people who are 25, even 36 years old, who can't handle the basics of life just really irritate me on a deep level. I have no patience anymore for apathy. The only way to uplift the world and our instinctual morale is to rise above the despair and turmoil around you and simply BE the positivity and productivity in life. There's no effort or much of any energy required, just nurture those around you and the motherfucking planet the best to your ability.
The idea of ego is just bizarre to me. Saul has said, "egos should be illegal, mine just don't know how to act." Very true, yet way off base. Is it so difficult to compromise? Is it a chore to step outside of our comfort zones and enlist on a journey, or even an attempt at something we may not enjoy? Hell, beyond that... I don't know. I'm so disgusted with Perry Farrell at the moment, and perhaps even Eric Avery as well, since everything is a two way street, no doubt. We have few things in life that really reach in and bring out our vitality and all that we offer to share with the world, in whatever medium or by whatever means that may entail for us individually. But see, when two behemoths of power and genius, and perhaps ego, collide--there's just little room for flexibility. We've seen this all through the ages with brilliance or any sort of conviction. Some people are very hard to work with, or even get along with, based on their peculiar personalities. Hell, I may even be one. And my intentions go misconstrued so often. So maybe that's it, really.
Though simply getting past these things should seem easier, though historical figures and well-loved artists inform us otherwise. When you build a legacy in life, nurture it best you can. And I'm not seeing this in Jane's Addiction 2010. 2009, I couldn't have been happier with. What an unbelievable privilege to see true, vibrant performance of meaningful creation. But now we're to the point of new creation, further stepping forward in collective energy, and they fail once more. Why why why... dammit. This only alerts me of my own failures and lack of energy and conviction, though it appears to me that these particular people have more incentive and better means of portraying their intention than some of us. I wish so strongly for things that can't always be. Don't we all...
Like I said, we all want convenience sure enough.
Not that we ever resolve anything. Man, my place of employment is a royal test of my love of humanity. It births a lack thereof. People are SO sensitive. I remember recognizing myself as immature.. and still do when the need arises. But people who are 25, even 36 years old, who can't handle the basics of life just really irritate me on a deep level. I have no patience anymore for apathy. The only way to uplift the world and our instinctual morale is to rise above the despair and turmoil around you and simply BE the positivity and productivity in life. There's no effort or much of any energy required, just nurture those around you and the motherfucking planet the best to your ability.
The idea of ego is just bizarre to me. Saul has said, "egos should be illegal, mine just don't know how to act." Very true, yet way off base. Is it so difficult to compromise? Is it a chore to step outside of our comfort zones and enlist on a journey, or even an attempt at something we may not enjoy? Hell, beyond that... I don't know. I'm so disgusted with Perry Farrell at the moment, and perhaps even Eric Avery as well, since everything is a two way street, no doubt. We have few things in life that really reach in and bring out our vitality and all that we offer to share with the world, in whatever medium or by whatever means that may entail for us individually. But see, when two behemoths of power and genius, and perhaps ego, collide--there's just little room for flexibility. We've seen this all through the ages with brilliance or any sort of conviction. Some people are very hard to work with, or even get along with, based on their peculiar personalities. Hell, I may even be one. And my intentions go misconstrued so often. So maybe that's it, really.
Though simply getting past these things should seem easier, though historical figures and well-loved artists inform us otherwise. When you build a legacy in life, nurture it best you can. And I'm not seeing this in Jane's Addiction 2010. 2009, I couldn't have been happier with. What an unbelievable privilege to see true, vibrant performance of meaningful creation. But now we're to the point of new creation, further stepping forward in collective energy, and they fail once more. Why why why... dammit. This only alerts me of my own failures and lack of energy and conviction, though it appears to me that these particular people have more incentive and better means of portraying their intention than some of us. I wish so strongly for things that can't always be. Don't we all...
Like I said, we all want convenience sure enough.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Things in my life are great, however...
What do I believe in anymore? Seeing this dissolution of what I deemed a beautiful relationship is truly distraughtening. How we really live in our own minds, you've said. Never clearer now, after the messy dreams we'll always share. Feeling the indirect effect of lost love isn't a new sensation, however, it's mysteriously peculiar in this case, and most heartbreaking. And tomorrow I celebrate my 6 month anniversary with Shelby Renee. Ohh, life.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Communism
What's been happening you ask? Too much and not enough. That is all. Don't quite fully understand myself or my life at this particular conjecture, but that's fine. Part of me wants to spill it all here, part of me knows it's pointless. Ugh, tired. End.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Aura Descending
We of a common feather
Setting sights on a smile in knowing
Coming down from existential glee that summoned more hope before me
And glowing by divine fire, the slumping dusk turns brisk around
Shoveling its stoop in a pile, waiting for dark ailments
Clouding the dot of the spy, sifting softly through swollen window holes
I asked a fallen cranapple tree to condone my sweet appraisal
None had towing that would match a harping magnitude, though less seemed interested
Collecting our thoughts, I gathered what was whole and part treat
We lifted our tongues the arch the cheek speck
The cry was light; lifted hard but true
No other man was to cuss and stir intervention
I demolished a carnival to carve a plead from forgiveness
And I crave the emptiness that starks the heart
Setting sights on a smile in knowing
Coming down from existential glee that summoned more hope before me
And glowing by divine fire, the slumping dusk turns brisk around
Shoveling its stoop in a pile, waiting for dark ailments
Clouding the dot of the spy, sifting softly through swollen window holes
I asked a fallen cranapple tree to condone my sweet appraisal
None had towing that would match a harping magnitude, though less seemed interested
Collecting our thoughts, I gathered what was whole and part treat
We lifted our tongues the arch the cheek speck
The cry was light; lifted hard but true
No other man was to cuss and stir intervention
I demolished a carnival to carve a plead from forgiveness
And I crave the emptiness that starks the heart
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Seven Cities
We ate Mexican and Indian foods, pizza, seafood, organic bread/sandwich, Wendy's x2, Arby's x3, and Subway x4
We witnessed parallels of reality in front of our eyes, hung out in museums, cathedrals, strip clubs, speakeasies, cafes... and we found out that some gas stations have showers.
We found that we are never safe, yet no one is an enemy.
We found the idea that life happens.
We witnessed parallels of reality in front of our eyes, hung out in museums, cathedrals, strip clubs, speakeasies, cafes... and we found out that some gas stations have showers.
We found that we are never safe, yet no one is an enemy.
We found the idea that life happens.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Reluctance
Debauched by his regurgitated stress relief, I call upon my new sense of beginning afresh
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Prelim of Exodus
"Society must let the artist float to wander off into the nebula."
- Brandon Boyd
Clearly what I've found is that it hasn't translated well. This constant ebb of understanding, worrying its way through daily happenings. A year later, I'm rediscovering the safe trodden truths, I feel. Why is this? How am I not improving for the most part... because I've most definitely been on decline. This must strengthen. So much has to happen now. I will force it. Just as gently as that blanket without aim--I claimed it. In dreams again last night, in reality in a few days awaits.
Problems arise when we try to see each others precise sensory experience of the same subject. We must relish moments together. When we adopt the eyes of others in pure word and comprehension, we're losing the initial system shock by having a filter cast over your eyes. My own foolishness startles me.
....does something really just tell us to do these things?
- Brandon Boyd
Clearly what I've found is that it hasn't translated well. This constant ebb of understanding, worrying its way through daily happenings. A year later, I'm rediscovering the safe trodden truths, I feel. Why is this? How am I not improving for the most part... because I've most definitely been on decline. This must strengthen. So much has to happen now. I will force it. Just as gently as that blanket without aim--I claimed it. In dreams again last night, in reality in a few days awaits.
Problems arise when we try to see each others precise sensory experience of the same subject. We must relish moments together. When we adopt the eyes of others in pure word and comprehension, we're losing the initial system shock by having a filter cast over your eyes. My own foolishness startles me.
....does something really just tell us to do these things?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
God's Waiting Room
Wow, what a night. Life reaching a full circle. How terribly I treated her, how wonderfully I treated her. This is interesting. Just waiting for further condemnation by Stephen... otherwise, shit, I love this girl.
I guess I have to dick someone over now. Yet... it needs to be done. This is my life that I'm laying out in front of me, no one else's. I must stop submitting myself to others' selfish wants, when I'm the one working for the goods. What a beautiful, beautiful evening.
Shit. These next 3 months are going to be outlandish.
I guess I have to dick someone over now. Yet... it needs to be done. This is my life that I'm laying out in front of me, no one else's. I must stop submitting myself to others' selfish wants, when I'm the one working for the goods. What a beautiful, beautiful evening.
Shit. These next 3 months are going to be outlandish.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
A Mockery of my Intermission for the Becoming of My Presence
Today was a true kick in the pants, which I needed to further my actualization.
I feared being fired today, walked out of work for the second time this week, and started throwing various objects throughout the kitchen of the restaurant. I now know that I've reached lunacy. And overcome, I want to believe. What are we doing with our lives, I asked. I dunno, he replied, as carefree as always, and thus it remains. But course is set, and we're now stapled to the repercussions of that acceptance. The fear won't stand. I won't stand for fear. My evening just had a very solid finale when I found a centipede in my shower, one of my greatest fears of the galaxy, next to the newly coined "HARDCORE REPUBLICANS," though I abolished his torso and limbs. It was gruesome.
And now you. Perhaps my stomach is in uproar because of the vast amount of time we've spent, and how eager you are to please me... and I find myself resisting the natural urges to please you. This is a year later. This is only halfway point from a proven stagnation, if you let it be so. Or, as we discussed, you could allow us to "live together"... and live together. Somewhere in the recesses of my striking and overly intense consciousness, this all proves a point to myself, to him, to you, to them. Fuck. But fuck them. Fuck me. Fuck him, at times. And fuck you if you're enabling yourself the contentment that you've been preaching is malnourished and uneventful. And then again you brought this to our attention this evening... and could we worship each other any more than we do? Why do we do it?
Oh, answers still so unclear. You enable me, however, and I must kick it up a notch to motivate myself IMMENSELY over these next few months, if I'm to flourish with every obstacle stacked. How frivolously fate has crafted all calling parties to my attention all at once: so clever as to force me to confront tomorrow, today, and the present. And the fears and disillusions. And I crave it. This new sense of immediacy is just perfectly presented to me at this unbearable time. I put myself in every situation in my mind before it actually occurs. I know I'll cry when Stephen Streck leaves us to join the Air Force. I'll fucking rage with passion with a hug unimaginable to the untested bonds. But it's coming. So much preparation, regard, and disregard I adore and very wholly praise in you and our dear friend Shelbs. Your pace will be unparalleled, and I'm striving to match it. That's companionship.
Move me to tears. Please. Tonight I was persuaded to attend this party not too far from my home, so I did in fact join the fun. And I forced myself to rise to what the situation demanded. And it worked pretty well. I conjure laughs, encouragement, and some sort of cockeyed respect. All the while, boosting confidence which barely exists, and is very tough to summon. Though I will when I'm beaten down to the dirt. And today I royally beat myself into powder. So fuzzy, clouded, fatigued, shaky, disarrayed... a hot mess inside out with the vapor production. Just solid to mush, as a centipede in the shower.
Straight up skank status...
I feared being fired today, walked out of work for the second time this week, and started throwing various objects throughout the kitchen of the restaurant. I now know that I've reached lunacy. And overcome, I want to believe. What are we doing with our lives, I asked. I dunno, he replied, as carefree as always, and thus it remains. But course is set, and we're now stapled to the repercussions of that acceptance. The fear won't stand. I won't stand for fear. My evening just had a very solid finale when I found a centipede in my shower, one of my greatest fears of the galaxy, next to the newly coined "HARDCORE REPUBLICANS," though I abolished his torso and limbs. It was gruesome.
And now you. Perhaps my stomach is in uproar because of the vast amount of time we've spent, and how eager you are to please me... and I find myself resisting the natural urges to please you. This is a year later. This is only halfway point from a proven stagnation, if you let it be so. Or, as we discussed, you could allow us to "live together"... and live together. Somewhere in the recesses of my striking and overly intense consciousness, this all proves a point to myself, to him, to you, to them. Fuck. But fuck them. Fuck me. Fuck him, at times. And fuck you if you're enabling yourself the contentment that you've been preaching is malnourished and uneventful. And then again you brought this to our attention this evening... and could we worship each other any more than we do? Why do we do it?
Oh, answers still so unclear. You enable me, however, and I must kick it up a notch to motivate myself IMMENSELY over these next few months, if I'm to flourish with every obstacle stacked. How frivolously fate has crafted all calling parties to my attention all at once: so clever as to force me to confront tomorrow, today, and the present. And the fears and disillusions. And I crave it. This new sense of immediacy is just perfectly presented to me at this unbearable time. I put myself in every situation in my mind before it actually occurs. I know I'll cry when Stephen Streck leaves us to join the Air Force. I'll fucking rage with passion with a hug unimaginable to the untested bonds. But it's coming. So much preparation, regard, and disregard I adore and very wholly praise in you and our dear friend Shelbs. Your pace will be unparalleled, and I'm striving to match it. That's companionship.
Move me to tears. Please. Tonight I was persuaded to attend this party not too far from my home, so I did in fact join the fun. And I forced myself to rise to what the situation demanded. And it worked pretty well. I conjure laughs, encouragement, and some sort of cockeyed respect. All the while, boosting confidence which barely exists, and is very tough to summon. Though I will when I'm beaten down to the dirt. And today I royally beat myself into powder. So fuzzy, clouded, fatigued, shaky, disarrayed... a hot mess inside out with the vapor production. Just solid to mush, as a centipede in the shower.
Straight up skank status...
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