Yes, I am that boy at the bus stop.
Here's the closure of July. The fourth consecutive month of turmoil. What am I saying... what has this year really offered me yet, other than perpetual scolding? I hope it ends here. August will get me out of debt. Yay.
Tomorrow I am spending the entire day with Jeffrey, save for work at 5:30 with Shelbs. There is much to understand here. I am missing Nick, Nik, and Simon a WHOLE fuck of a lot. Yeah, and the unnamed also.
Chris and Nikki couldn't be any better to me. Really. And you're the only two people who I knowingly allow to read this, so tremendous props to y'all. Today I spent a lot of time seeing the contradiction in everything. That is, in words, routines, actions, psychology, lustful lunges, etc. It all needs to end. And I have to start with myself, in truth. I need to put it all out there with people. That way I can at least drop the constant regret in my life. I believe. Oh, and in terms of "belief".. I have none. I finally was able to see my mother for more than 20 minutes, and we spend most of the evening together Tuesday night, over dinner and at Grandma's. She really understands me well right now, which is essential. She knows of my utter void of self-worth, my increasing lack of faith in humankind, and an awful detestation of a higher power. One would think this all is quite a problem for one who is attempting to gather his gear and put motives in motion. I am fearful, quite often. I cry a lot these days. But it reaaally helps. And when little else does, I have no problem admitting this. Yes, August I will make approximately $1500 which will alleviate a lot of my stress. September the cash with continue... until 9/20. Jeff and I are planning quite an extravaganza. It has to be, we owe it to ourselves. And, friends, you owe it to yourselves to join us, to just forget about reality for a bit. Please.
These contradictions... they spawn from all over, sometimes I see it in conflicting advice you'll give me, friends. Sometimes I just can't stand to listen to others. I feel I deserve all ears when I need 'em. I never expected this, I never ever did. Yet, I must say I never thought life would be a cruise, either. I lost my way in many regards, admittedly. A friend of mine recently embraced his homosexuality. This is truly enriching. We need more bravery with self. I can't wait to hug him. I would love to walk this earth and not receive a single glance down low. I am aching for the weak to quit being so obvious, quit overriding the truth with fairy tales, and to finally give in and let out. Just become truthful in all aspects of your being. Please.
If I had to choose a partner right now... wouldn't be any easier than it was a week ago, a month ago. That's why all I ask of them is time, goddammit. The more I contemplate, the less I see what I'm doing as anything but natural sensation. There is real atrocity in wishing for solitude. Ah, I know someone who wishes for "companionship." What a thought. To cut a slit open... AllNeonLike. And to think I'm secured myself in the unwanted zone-- "friend status." Please.
The intangibility of sparking dynamics always remain. Do you not see the possibilities of retrieval over distant decades? Has history and illusion not already paved a clearly picture for us of this equivalent injustice? Ah, I feel too much for knowing so little. Wanting death for myself is very very unending. But sometime throughout each day, I couldn't be further from the sentiment. But at some point in duration, it stings me senseless. Numb is such a conceited idea. yet.. I do acknowledge it as my core in these times.
"I'd like to laugh at what you said
but I just can't find a smile
Wonder why you can
struggle with myself..
Hoping I might change a little..."
The hold is rich in its embankment eastward. I talked to someone recently of the personality trait of inborn idealism. I possess it, and there is no escape. Tightrope for an Escapist? Yes, so I told him of my trait, and I see it as not such bad a thing. Though, it does ail me now, it is also the ignition I strive towards. It pertains to just about every ambition in my course. It's not set, and knowing talk is cheap, I wish to soon fulfill one of the above. Because honestly, I do not know what to do with my life-- meaning, I have not yet for certainly claimed a direction as my calling. Though I've tasted a few... I am usual the guy on the sideline, aspiring. I always feel a bit powerful, however, when sitting there, I am wholly uninspired by the work before me. Gives me something to look forward to. A grant, if you will, to devour the walkway. Hmm... yeah, that's sufficient. Only gonna get 5 hours of sleep now...
"I can't see nothing good
nothing is so bad
I never had a chance
to explain exactly what I meant"
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