K, I got lots more to say:

I am slowly becoming comfortable with Maynard. His presence makes sense to me a bit now. And he sounds pretty nice sometimes.

Aight, my state of mind; ever in flux, usually sedated, heavily turbulent by Manifest Destiny and Enlightenment thinking?

No no, this is all wrong. *Whew*



Okay, apparently someone thinks they are the center of the universe, and I still mope along the turf, half dead to myself. Which is sometimes true. Though I now... am still torn, after four months. And it cannot continue, and I'm sure I am paved in stone, but dammit, this whole deal is so backwards. This summer should have been mind-erasing for me. And I don't mean that too hastily, I love and respect everyone who gives the same back, but I really needed to get the fucking edge off this summer, and it never happened, save for some out-of-mind nights with a few select, diverse friends, on multiple occasions, in many scattered combinations.

Oh, and.. "you are gonna have to find out for yourself."

part of the reason I left Arby's so suddenly, and without much thought of announcement. Just wanted to leave those years to the grave. I MUST find something, and I keep telling myself that Philadelphia will sprout stems. My best friend lives there, a few other GREAT people, plus Lizzy is about to venture that way, Meghan and Shelbs are nearby, and hell, Nakeeda may be attending Temple University... so all would be in place, I feel. Plus, many of these people really inspire me to accomplish things, sometimes in a non-creative way, which is probably beneficial. Though the more I deliberate and sit around with stars above and humbled breaths below, I realize that my heart will never securely be fastened while pursuing a traditional type of schooling. I simply cannot well acquaint myself and refamiliarize myself again and again with stagnant dictation and sighs lacking thereof.

this is so scrambled without junction or direction. I just know that there's something(someone) I'm needing, my slow drug(someone) who can help all these troubled breezes. Because in reality, I am very close with the hum and soft echo. I much look forward to cleaning the leaves in the coming weeks, fast approaching. Yet, I seek companionship all the while. During this time, I would like to share the joy of being domestic. And I know you understand. Dammit, we all have it, and it was so bountiful and refreshing last New Years. So strikingly delicious. Yet, it all vanished, as did any ambition.

So I must carve for myself a meek beginning. One that demands proper growth and nurture. Like the committment to hair upkeep, perhaps. Anything of reward.

And you know we find ourselves, again and again, within close proximity, non-estranged faces who bring to us good conversation, and we then realize we've driven this past. The times we spend in the cluttered mess, help us reach our hand further out of the muck. The endless days.. I miss them tremendously. None of this 36 hour nonsense. The real deal, 4 days of whatever we so desired. And perhaps that world is possible, and we'll find it next year, or in the future. It would be so empowering to know that you possess a very volatile ministry in your step. Better than the long gone days.


fijepoaifjeopawif

Going to sign on now.

elsewhere.




Open my ears and defend my eyes
I see the truth that the scars devise